It’s Saturday- I spent all day with mom yesterday, and today my brother took her out for a few hours. She has called me a total of six times today. Below is every word she said on the last call. I’ve typed it just as she has spoken it. It’s Sundowners time and so, I don’t say much- she controls the entire conversation- – sort of like a teenage girl. (-:
Have you talked to your brother about me coming home? I worked hard to pay for my house and I feel like I should be able to live there. I’m almost at the point where I might need to go see a lawyer.
I don’t like being up here in this place in these two rooms -in this place, where I don’t know anybody. I just don’t understand why I’m being treated this way. I don’t understand what I’ve done to anybody – that would put me in this situation. I just don’t understand it. I don’t know, maybe I’m …………..
I just don’t know, I’m just really frustrated, disappointed and upset. At the way I’m being treated. I may not have been a very good parent, but I don’t think I was as bad I’m being treated. I fell pushed aside- pushed away, you don’t deserve anything that you’ve done for yourself. That’s the way I feel. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t eh…eh…. eh….. understand -you know, I thought that I did a fairly decent job of keeping you children taken care of after dad died. Even though I made a mistake and got married again, I corrected that mistake after a while. I’m not the only person in the world that made a mistake. I don’t know. I don’t understand his attitude. I just don’t understand it, maybe you can explain it to me. He put me out of my house and put me up here in two rooms, you wake up one day and you don’t know where you are- no discussion-nothing, I don’t understand. It’s my house, I paid for it, you know, I don’t’ know, why would I have to move, I don’t’ understand, anyway
Me- calmly and in a soothing voice-“ mom, what would you say if I told you that you told us it was time for you to go to Assisted Living and that you picked the place you are in”?
I would say I don’t remember that. I think I was here before anyone said anything about me having dementia. Maybe I just don’t know, maybe I have dementia and I don’t understand what is going on.
I don’t get lost- I know what I’m doing when I’m doing something -I know how to get from one place to another- I remember how to do things that I’ve done all my life. People with dementia aren’t cognitive all the time. They have periods of not knowing what they are doing or where they are at- or what’s happening to them. I think I pretty much know what I’m doing all the time. And what’s happening to me all the time. I know it’s happening to me Did some doctor say I had dementia? When was that? I wonder if I should be tested again. Do I need to make an appointment? I don’t’ remember ever talking to a doctor. But, I do remember someone coming into my house and making me drink something that I didn’t know what it was, it was two young boys that came in and one of them held me down while the other one poured something down my throat. Then they left, I don’t know what happened after that. The next thing I remember is waking up here. I don’t remember how I got here. When did I see a doctor how does he describes dementia- I remember what I did today, I walked today, I ate breakfast lunch and dinner. If someone came to see me today- I don’t remember it. I just don’t remember.
Me: Mom what did you do today? Did anyone come see you What does your journal say? ( another great idea is to have them a journal in their room – that you and their other visitors can write in, – something you can direct them to when needed). So, who was here today? I don’t remember. Who was here today? Why don’t I remember. Yep I see where Paul was here today he took me to Walmart. I think I remember doing laundry yesterday- so I’m just going to be crazy and be here the rest of my life. Ok- I’ll try to behave and do the best I can. Somedays it’s real scary here. Well, is there anything else going on? This TV has a different channel set up- but, I’m learning it. I guess I’ll have to be here the rest of my life. I wonder if there is some kind of medicine or liquid or powder or something that I could take like mix it up in water or something and I could just fall on the floor and not wake up. I’ve been thinking about that —- but, I’ don’t know how to do that. I do know that this is not a lot of fun. But, I’m not the only person in the world trying to survive it. I’d really like to go back to my house- but that will probably never happen. It would be cheaper. I could get out – get lost and fall in the creek and drown. I don’t know, I guess you have to accept what God has planned for you and just deal with it on a daily basis. I’m just going to be as happy as I can be and live in the moment. And, if I don’t have a next moment I guess it will be ok. How does that sound. I think I could go home though- I don’t think I’ve wondered off, I have a home that I can go to and live in. I mean-nobody has ever even said hello to me here, it’s a sad place to be. I might take a pen and paper with me tomorrow and if someone talks to me I’ll write it down. But, it could be that I’d forgotten, I just don’t know. Sometimes I take a walk- I’ve walked every day since I’ve retired. So anyway, it’s not fun getting old I wished I’d have lived wild and crazy and died young like dad did. He was the lucky one.
But anyway, when it’s your turn- it’s your turn. I don’t think you can push it or stop it. It’s not fun waiting your turn. Tomorrow will be happy day. I had a fun day today- Jan came to see me – she brought me, something-but I don’t’ know what it was. I’ll hang up now, so you can get back to what you were doing.
I love you- bye
Some evenings this is exhausting- but that’s okay- she needs someone to talk to- and I’m here for her. So, I just breathe.
Peace & Love,