It’s 6:15- mom has called me two other times this afternoon – asking me to call her when I get off work. When I picked up this time her song began “I need your help, but I don’t think I want to go back to my house. Ok mom- where would you like to go?
I’m thinking an apartment or maybe assisted living – I think I could handle that I just think it’s better if I distance myself from Paul- because I think he wants to – he knows I’m getting older and I’m going to die. And he doesn’t want- he wants to adjust before that happens – by distancing himself. One day I’m gonna be gone and he —-it’s not going to you know —-he’s already had to learn to deal without being around if he distances himself from me. Do you understand? I’ve been thinking about it- Paul and I have been very close– you know it was very hard for him when dad died. And I think that’s what he’s doing….maybe not –maybe– I don’t know. But I think that is my theory he may not even realize what he’s doing.
So-anyway but- I don’t think I like it here and I was thinking if I could get a small apartment in downtown – down around close to town – you could have my house if you want it- I don’t’ know if I have enough money to pay for as long as I live. I don’t think I’m ready to go into assisted living – I don’t like people that well. I do not like to be around a bunch of people all the time. You can think about what I said and see if it’s reasonable and doable– and you know it sounds reasonable and doable to me. I don’t want to be in assisted living you know me I don’t’ like a bunch of people—– I don’t want to go in as long as I can do things for myself. But, I don’t’ think I want to go back to my house. I don’t think I quite understand what happened or why I’m here or what brought me here to this place and I just do not know – the only thing that I really remember- that the person telling me when I woke up here saying well- your finally awake, well you’ve been here for 5 days and you are just wanking up. I don’t want to know what happened- I don’t care- but I don’t think I want to go back to my house. If I run out of money you will have to help me. If I can’t feed myself then you will have to help me. Maybe you don’t’ want my house – I don’t know- but you think about it. You know better than me- you think about it and see if that’s something accessible for you. Paul hasn’t been to see me – do you know why? Do you know how long I’ve been her- me, almost a year. I did have a dream the other night – I was in my house in the living room and I was on the floor doing something with some papers and two young boys came in the back door in the living room and pushed me down on my back and poured something down my mouth and when I woke up I was in the hospital. I think Paul found me and took me to the hospital. Did that happen, or do you think it was a dream. I said, I think it was a dream. Well, did Paul say anything? Hummm so you think it was a dream. I can’t figure out why I’m here do you know why I’m here? Yes, mom because you are forgetful. Am I on any medicine? They come every morning and night to give you medicine– no one comes and gives me anything – I think —-they did it for a week but I don’t think – I think I would remember – I’m pretty stable at this point- if they are giving me medicine I’d remember. I think I only took it for 5 days- they said it was only prescribed for that long – they said the doctor ordered it. I don’t’ know- I don’t know I still can’t figure out what happened to me that made me be put away. Tears start.
Me- I’m sure that’s how it feels mom (put away) But that’s ok I’ve adjusted – that’s one thing I’ve learned how to do- to adjust.
Me- so, how’s Chuck– I guess he’s okay- he hasn’t come back from the hospital yet. I haven’t heard from him or seen him, and you know he might of just —-I’ll have to look and see if his cars here. Sometimes he just gets in his car and goes back home. That’s what he did at the other place we were at. I think I only talked to him once- his door was opened one day and I talked to him. I don’t know, strange when you get old, it’s not fun being old – dad had the right idea –die young. So, I don’t know anything else how’s the boys ?
I bet they are getting big, they are very smart boys. She likes that part ok I’ll let you go- talk to you later- I don’t know anything else.
Ok- I love you mom- I love you too Cheryl
All she needs is someone to listen. This conversation was 27 minutes- she didn’t take very many breaths.
Peace & Love,