Eat, Sleep, Repeat. Dorothy wakes up to a new day- and “new place” every day. She can’t remember. But she is engaged and active, she has friends and she’s loved by everyone around her.
It’s interesting- that when I go see her to visit- or take her out- she’s usually engaged with the people around her- I sit or stand where she can’t see me and I observe her- she laughs, tells stories, complains, listens. She plays bingo, reads, colors, does exercise class, current events class, etc.
But- the minute she sees me, or Paul and we take her out- she starts complaining that there is nothing to do- no one talks to her- and she’s bored- she wants to go home.
There is no since telling her that we just witnessed that she has been doing “stuff”. She doesn’t remember. So, I let it go and I listen- sometimes I agree – just to let her know she has someone on her side.
I have a friend who took care of her mother for years- in a demented state and then bedridden. She is a very strong, loving, caring person. I am in awe of her. I find myself struggling more and more every day with mom and her sickness- how did my friend do this for years 24/7 ?
It’s not my sickness- it’s hers, and I’m here to support her in any way that I can. But, to be honest- I’m tired! I’m tired of hearing her song over and over and over again. I’m tired of her not understanding, not remembering, constantly complaining- but mostly – for not being my mom- as I knew my mom.
It’s like a slow agonizing death- the worst kind. My dad died when I was 24- he was 49. He was diagnosed with cancer in January and died that same year in September. The worst part for me – was the last 45 days- he was delusional- he was out of it- and then he was gone- there is nothing I could do about it. I still miss and think of him every day- but just like that- he was gone- no lingering, no pain, no “new day” everyday- he was just gone. Every day I remember what he taught me- I cry at what he didn’t get to teach me- I wonder what else he could have taught me, my children and my siblings.
Mom is here at the end her life going through a long-drawn-out sickness and there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks. She carried the torch after dad died and I wonder what else she has to teach us. I hate that she is suffering- or is she? Maybe she is just fine in her world.
After thinking about this – I’ve come to the conclusion that death is something we all get to experience- in our own way- and there is nothing anyone can do about it. All I can hope for is that I have a” someone”- to be my person – to listen to me till the very end- no matter what.
So, when I get weary, weak, sad and lonely- I reflect on all the love, laughter, hugs and lessons I have been taught by those I have loved and lost, I realize how lucky I am to be alive and to have been touched guided by their words and gifts.
Be somebody’s person.
Peace & Love,