It’s been a rough few weeks for me- not Dorothy. Dorothy remains the same. Locked inside a mind that is not working properly. Her spirit and heart are still good, she’s happy and positive most of the time. She cries for her Granny and her sister. She is confused and doesn’t know why she can’t go home. She knows me and lights up when I visit. She loves the shower pounding on her back and the hairdryer blowing her hair dry. She appreciates me, she tells me sometimes when she is
“with it” and these times are when I cry. And I ask Why- Why? Why is this happening to my mom?
A dear friend of mine went to a funeral the other day and the Preacher told the family that is was ok to ask “Why”, because by asking why, you are keeping the line of communication open between God and the loved one you just lost. She, like I had never heard this way of thinking. It has always been ” You can’t ask Why” – because you will get no answer. You don’t get an answer by asking Why- either. So, I’m gonna start asking Why more and see what happens to my mindset, heart and soul.
I lost my ex husband a few weeks ago- he had been sick for a few years and we all knew it was just a matter of time- but a long time out. We remained good friends after our divorce- life is short- and it is. We were hoping that the doctors and drugs would work a miracle- or at least a few more years of life for him. When his cancer spread – it was a fast decline. I was able to go see him and spend a few days with him-along with my daughter and son. It was tough and heartbreaking to see him in so much pain, to watch my children have to experience the loss of their dad. To watch his mother, brother, sister, nephews go through this sadness as well.
For me, the happiness of his end of life- was that he was surrounded by his high school sweetheart, the love of his life. His daughter was able to stay with him until the end. His mother, brother, sister and sister in law was with him every day- he was surrounded by family until his final breath. He left with no regrets. What a gift for him, to be surround with so much light and love. It was like he planned it to happen this way.
As I was driving back and forth – I thought about mom and wondered how Dorothy would want to go when it’s her time. Will mom want to go in her sleep- like she has always said? Or would she like to go surround by her family? And of course I wondered how would I want to go- when it’s my time?
Interestingly enough, when I was there to see mom the other day – she talked about dying. She told me she was ready to go. She was tired and done. So, I asked her if she was going to die before Christmas- she said she couldn’t do that- she would probably wait until her birthday in February. She wants to die on her birthday. This was interesting to me – part of me was like- how cool would that be? A full circle of your life here on earth. We will see. I just wish I could do more for her. But, I do believe I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing. And when I see her tomorrow she will probably tell me she is going to live forever. (-:
In honor of Norm ,who many, many moons ago introduced to me his favorite band- Led Zeppelin -here’s a few lyrics to their song “Stairway To Heaven”,
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last
When all are one and one is all, yeah
To be a rock and not to roll
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven
Rest In Peace Norm.
Lots of Love and Light,