downward … caution- kinda gross….

Dorothy is changing- and not for the better. She is more angry, more sad, more frustrated more frightened. Everyone is out to get her or to kill her. They beat her up – they held her down and kicked her legs- they almost smothered her. She is paranoid. I hate it for her. She is so unhappy. She is not Dorothy. Does she really believe this? Is she revisiting a movie or TV show?  I don’t know- all I know is this sucks! I went last weekend to see her – it warmed up enough outside- for me to feel good about giving her a shower. She wanted to pee before she took a shower- but didn’t know where to go. She was standing right in front of the toilet. I helped her find her seat and the next thing I see is her reaching behind and trying to pull the poo out. I was so grossed out! I told her firmly to stop! Stop! You don’t need to do that. She stated that she had to do this to get it to come out. AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH  !!!!!!!!!!!!!      I redirected her to the sink- to wash her hands then into the shower. I was so shocked and so brokenhearted to see this stage that I could hardly keep it together. After we finished the shower- which she loves- dressed and hair dried- I took her out from the bathroom where Paul was waiting for her. I went back into the bathroom and wept. And Wept. I don’t understand what the heck is going on and why it is happening to my mom. It is so hard to experience first hand, It is so had to start yet another year of this downhill spiral. How much farther down into the debts of dementia must she travel? Will I be able to continue this journey with her? How much worse will it get? After I composed myself, I went to find the nurse and let her know what happened- she looked at me with compassion- this is something that doesn’t bother her anymore- these stages are as normal to her as the sun setting at night. She said she could not tell me much of anything- that this happens and it’s just another smack in the face to the demented. It’s so hard to see, to be apart of, to travel this journey. I can only  hope that this it is not hard for mom. That she truly does not know what she is doing or what is going on.  I hope she does not have any realization of what is happening to her. I hope this will pass soon. I hope the God Lord will have Mercy and Grace on her and take her on home. Life changes you as you go through it. from a baby- to a toddler- to a teen- to a legal 21 year old- to a wife, a mother a grandmother- the losses we experience along the way. The love, joy and excitement of our accomplishments- of our partner, our children , our children’s children and our friends and foes. The love – the loss- the trials- the victories- Life at it’s finest.  I never dreamed  that I would be watching my mom experiencing this living death. I’m hanging in there and watching. Love and Light, Cheryl Doreen