I’ve watched and am watching you…

I’ve watched you since I was born mom – and I’m still watching you.

I watched you- when I was little- to learn how to do things- communicate, walk, cook, clean, think, process, garden, and make the best blackberry jam ever. (-:

I watched how you reacted to certain situations, and when you chose not to react.

 I watched you love us -and comfort us when we were broken. Fight for us when you thought we needed protection.

I’ve watched you adjust and re-adjust, raise 4 babies, and make it work – sew, cook, be a wife, in the PTA, a girl scout leader, a boy scout leader, hold down a job outside the home and be the best you could be.

I watched you be a wonderful nurse to all of your children then in the working world to care and support.

I watched you punish us to make us better humans.

I’ve watched you help us with broken hearts or egos, give suggestions and opinions, lend a helping hand- and I’ve watched you reject helping hands.

I’ve watched you care deeply, lose the love of your life, and put your life back together afterwards and work hard for what you accomplished. I’ve watched you be successful throughout your life.

I’ve watched you watch your children leave the nest, then embrace grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

I’ve watched you love, laugh, and dance. I watched you create and delegate, prosper and grow. I watched you pray and believe, be disappointed and deceived. 

I’ve watched you for over 66 years.  And I’m still watching you. 

These days, I’m watching you slowly forget – you don’t remember dad anymore, you don’t remember two of your sons, you don’t remember where you are, you don’t remember what day, week, month, year it is.  You can’t remember our conversation we had 15 seconds ago; you can’t remember I was there a few minutes after I leave.  I’m watching you not remember anything and some days it’s painful.  Some days you don’t know who I am.  I’m watching and learning.

I’m watching you make things up, sometimes you believe them and sometimes I think you say them just to talk.

I’m watching you breakdown and cry when I come to see you, other days you are happy to see me, somedays you sing your song as to where you are, how did you get here and when can you go home.

 I’m watching how confused you are, how you are handling it, how you maintain. I’m, watching you get through the night only to wake up the next day not knowing where you are or how you got there.

I’m watching you fade away, not knowing what is going on.  I’m watching you forget the most common of things you’ve used all your life and what they are used for.

I’m watching and I’m sorry, sorry there is nothing that can be done for you, sorry that they have not even scratched the surface of Dementia, sorry that I cannot nurse you through the end of your life any better than I am.  Sorry that you feel so lonely, confused, deserted and isolated.

I’ll be watching you till the end. Then, I’ll remember watching you and wonder how I will get along without watching you.

Love you mom,

 Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

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