Another call today concerning Dorothy – from the hospice nurse. Mom might have had a heart attack- or maybe another mini stroke- something is going on with her and she is on the decline. They will keep a close eye on her the next week and see if she rebounds or not.
Two days ago I went to visit her and she was asleep at 10:00 AM- I did not disturb her. It’s obvious that she is slowing down and getting more confused and just “off”- sleeping more- and sort of living in slow motion. I spent several hours with mom yesterday and it was a great visit. We sat in her room with our chairs facing the the great outdoors. I thought to myself that I needed to go get some winter flowers and put them outside her window- so there is some color to her muted view. Our conversation was upbeat- every time she wanted to cry or be sad- I redirected her to a totally different question- which diverted the tears. I know she is scared and feels alone and totally confused. As her sister- as she thinks I am – it’s my job to help her feel safe, loved and comforted. When we parted she was happy at the lunch table with a big smile on her face. I did the best I could and I feel fine.
It will be interesting how this episode will play out. Will she recover like she did with the mini strokes a few months back? Or will she spiral further? All I can do is pray for Mercy and Grace. As she once told me ” Cheryl, there are things worse than death”. And the older I get- and the more I watch her go through this journey- the more I totally understand what she meant -by these words of wisdom.
The tears they come and they go. I know it’s a roller coaster and I try not to dwell on the sadness of it all. It is hard not to- not to just break down daily. But, then again to breakdown and recover makes you stronger- no pain no gain.
Most of us have lost a parent, partner, child, sibling or grandparent- a guardian who loved us totally and unconditionally. Someone who was there for us no matter what the circumstance. Someone we always knew we could turn to for the truth- no matter what. One thing for sure— watching them suffer and watching their light grow dimmer with each passing day is not for weaklings. Not everyone can do this- and some of us can only do it with certain people. And that is ok, no-one has the right to judge you- especially yourself on yourself- and remember it’s all part of the plan. We live and we die- all differently and in our own time.
Part of the Plan- Dan Fogelberg
I have these moments all steady and strong
I’m feeling so holy and humble
The next thing I know, I’m all worried and weak
And I feel myself starting to crumble
The meanings get lost, and the teachings get tossed
And you don’t know what you’re gonna do next
You wait for the sun but it never quite comes
Some kind of message comes through to you
Some kind of message comes through
And it says to you
Love when you can
Cry when you have to
Be who you must
That’s a part of the plan
Await your arrival
With simple survival and
One day, we’ll all understand
One day, we’ll all understand
One day, we’ll all understand
Love and Light,
Cheryl Doreen
Dorothy's Dementia 