Happy Day! (-:

The phone rings and wakes me up- I roll over and look at the clock- it’s only 7:15 A.M ( I only need 15 more minutes of beauty sleep).   I look to see who’s calling so early (I already have a good idea) and see that it’s Dorothy (mom).  I breathe in deep and I answer the phone and in my half asleep, cheeriest voice I say, “Hi, Mom!  What’s happening”?    

This morning her song starts out with a confused and frightening voice – “Cheryl, I don’t know where I am!”.  The first thing I ask her is-  if she is alright, in a shakey voice-she says yes, she tells me that she has taken her shower and that she recognizes all the things in the apartment as being hers. But, she doesn’t know where she is.  I respond by telling her that she is in Assisted Living – with the name of the “home” and her location. Her next question is “How did I get here”?   I tell her (again)  that we had to put her in there because she is having problems remembering and it’s for her safety and our peace of mind. 

 The denial oozes from her- “I don’t need to be here!!!!!, I have my own house- that I bought and paid for-  I need to be there- you need to come gets me and take me there. I don’t need to be spending my money on this place.  I’m expecting you to come and get me and take me back to my house”.    

I take a deep breath and concentrate on the tone of my voice- I need to make sure it is even- I need to be sure there is not even a hint of agitation or frustration in it- it needs to be calm and reassuring.    

I tell her I will be there on Friday- and we can talk about it then.  I shift the conversation to breakfast- to see if she remembers where she needs to go.  She responds in a brave voice- trying to steady her response – to not let her voice crack.  “Yes, Cheryl I know where the dining room is”.   I ignore the cracking, unsteady voice and tell her to go on down and see if the fireplace is on. I suggest she have a cup of coffe and see breakfast is being served.

Her anxiousness is not as intense– but the confusion lingers in her voice.   I hate it for her- I hate that she has to live out the last of her time on this earth in this condition.  

I need to remember that the key is to remain calm, and remember that this is not her, it’s the sickness. She’s just sick. 

Peace and Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Hello

Mom (Dorothy) has called me for the third time today- this time the song on the record player was “Cheryl, someone must have attacked me again- Can you call Paul and see if he knows anything about it?

This is one of moms “records” it’s her belief (totally fictional) that two boys broke into her home and poisoned her. One of them held her down while the other one poured something down her throat. Then they were gone- she remembers seeing one of them running out the door before she passed out. She presumes that my brother found her on the floor and took her to the hospital. When she woke up – she didn’t know where she was- but she remembers she woke up in a hallway on a gurney. And one of the nurses came over and said to her “well honey, we are glad to see you finally woke up”, (mom does this in a different voice, (-: )
“we were worried sick about you”. Mom askes her – “well, how long have I been here? The nurse replies “honey, it’s been at least 5 days!”

Mom has been in Assisted Living now 255 days 10 hours and 36 minutes (as I write this). I have heard this at least 255 times- probably more- if you count the multiple calls a day. If she can’t remember what she had for lunch – or the fact that I was there just 10 minutes ago- how can she remember this story – word for word- never changing? It’s mind boggling!

I’m calm- I answer the phone “hey mom! What’s up?” – I listen to it every time – just like it’s the first time- what else can I do? These days- it’s her song.

In the beginning I used to argue with her- tell her this never happened. This would make her furious- to the point where she would hang up on me. Only to call back a few minutes later – not having a clue that she just spoke to me – or that she just told me the same story- or that she hung up on me. I no longer tell her she is wrong, no matter how hard it is. I just listen again to her song.

Sometimes we just need to be there. Just listen. Just agree. Just say,”Mom, I will help in any way that I can”. In reality, I am helping- in the only way that I can- I’m here for her- so she knows she’s not alone.

Peace & Love,
Cheryl Doreen

Hello!

The grooves on the record are deep and you know exactly what you are going to hear when you place the needle down. If you don’t handle the records with care- they get scratches on them. This scuff will change the entire enjoyment of the record. The song is the same- it just gets stuck at the nick in the groove. It will play over and over and over again. Driving you crazy unitl you apply a little pressure on that part of the groove-so the song can continue on.

This is how Dorothy and her dementia are – her groove is just nicked- she gets stuck – she can’t go forward or backwards. It’s like she’s suspended right where she is- hanging on the same words and thoughts. She says the same thing over and over and over again. She’s trapped in the groove- and she needs someone who will apply a little pressure to get her back on track. This is where I come in- she needs someone’s help – to ask a question- get her mind on another memory. I’m happy to do it for her.

Even though I go thorough it with her everyday-I can’t imagine what she is experiencing – not remembering,feeling confused,scared and alone – it has to be very frightening.

On the occasion that I am successful and I can flip her record to the unscratched side and able to steer the conversation back to her early childhood she calms down and relaxes (you can hear it in her voice). She’s not angry or agitated anymore- she’s herself. She will talk and talk about her youth. Which makes me calm as well- to know she can go to a place in her mind and find peace and calm.

Peace & Love,
Cheryl Doreen

Hello and Happy Day!

Today was a rough day- Mom (Dorothy) started calling me at noon- 12:15 to be exact. Which is unusual- usually she only calls me at 6:15- after dinner when the sun is going down- she also has Sun Downers- which is very tough on her.  When she does call me this early in the day, I take a deep breath and I remain calm – I know what’s coming.

She is always confused, frustrated and angry.   I always answer in a positive, upbeat, cheerful voice-   “ What’s up mom?, Is everything ok? she always answers back- “No, Cheryl “- in a bitter and sad tone- (the voice is an amazing gift –  it can tell a story just by the tone-don’t ever take it for granted)”  – everything is not alright”- “I need your help in getting me back to my house”.   I always respond with  “Why mom, what happened”?  and the record begins.  And tomorrow it will be the same song- but hopefully she will not call until 6:15- which would be good news- it would mean she has had a good day.

I can remember my first 45 RPM, The Rolling Stones- side 1-Get off of my Cloud and side 2- I’m Free.  I can remember listening to it over and over and over again, from the small portable record player.  I’d listen for hours until I had each word embedded into my memory bank -then play it again and again and again -singing along like I was part of the band.

Someday I hope to look back- and smile at the memory of this time we are sharing- Dorothy’s song- I hope to be able to laugh and not cry.  I’m glad I’m here for her – she needs someone who will just listen and let her know she is not alone. Isn’t that what we are all looking for? Someone to listen.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Hello!

I never thought I’d be blogging –  let alone one about my mom and the journey she is experiencing with Dementia. But, here I go, I’m hoping to help myself through these challenging times and give some support to those of you who are experiencing the same journey with a loved one.

The first time I can recall that I noticed she was beginning her journey was a day we went shopping and I bought her a few new clothes. Looking back, it was a fun day and she seemed a little “off” but I didn’t think anything of it. We unloaded the car and when I opened up the bags and asked her if she wanted me to cut the tags off  she was like – “Why? These are not mine they are yours”!  

I argued with her that they were hers and that she had picked them out.   She was so ticked off at me and thought that I was lying to her. I couldn’t believe it.  A good day had just turned into a confusing day.  I ended up taking the clothes back for a refund.  Then the family noticed that this was happening more often – along with several other things – we realized the reality- the damaging disease had taken hold of her- and it wasn’t letting go.

The blessing for me and my family was she had spend 20 + years as a  RN in the Assisted Living world and she specialized in Memory Care.  After the above incident, it wasn’t long until she realized that she might have the “destructive D” (as she called Dementia) and she started to educate us as to what was going to happen by stage and how to respond. I thank the Angels every day-for her intuition and the ability to communicate with us what her journey was going to be like.

The lesson today and every day will be the same – we need to treat our sick and aging parents- like we treat our grandchildren or better yet- our pets. (-:

I’ll be back tomorrow.