Here is a random voice mail that Dorothy left me last Thursday, I was unable to answer the phone as I was on a Zoom call with some friends.

” You know very good and well this is your mother calling you and I need your help-I do not like this place and I want to go back to my house. Or if not back to my house-someplace that I pick out myself, either a small apartment or hmmm–I don’t want a house-or an assisted living I don’t want people telling me what to do-when to wake up-when to go to sleep-when to eat and all that kind of stuff but, I need your help to help me find someplace. It’s a – I’m not happy, I’m not happy. If you want to send me back to Germantown that will be ok — then I won’t be in your kid’s way. I’ll be happier than I am here, even though I will miss you-I can always call and talk to you— but I need help with this pretty quick before I make an ass out of myself. Ok, Ok Thank you Goodbye.

She called back about an hour later and she did not say anything about this. She talked about when I was going to come and see her, how the boys were, Jessica Rose, Uncle Paul and Gary. This is her world now. As small as it is, she still has love to give to the 6 of us as best she can- by asking over and over again how we all are.

Give a little of yourself to your aging loved ones. They were once like you are now.

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

The world is somewhat shut down. Georgia is on a mandatory “Shelter at Home”.  Things are really quite calm with all this Corona19 Virus going on- Dorothy still calls – still sings her song.  She has no idea what is going on in the world- and I think that’s a good thing.  It’s tough- somedays to listen to her over and over and over again knowing that I can’t go to her rescue- I can’t go hug her, I can’t make it better.   During this pandemic it’s tough on everyone.  

I do not have any regrets on how I’ve treated my mom, or how I’ve handled this journey with her. If this Corona Virus gets her and she goes on home – I’m okay with it. I’m at peace.  It’s gonna be ok.

These days I’m limited to writing her cards and dropping them off at the front door – with an occasional bouquet of flowers or some chocolate. That’s all I can do right now- that and answer her phone calls.  Which are increasing daily- due to the full moon tomorrow.

Love & Light!

Cheryl Doreen

This is another posting that for some reason did not get posted- human error. (-: Mom and I had been out on our Friday Follies -” Fun Day” and we got back in time for the live entertainment. We sat and listened to the singer “crucify” Patsy Cline – I will say she did give it everything she had- it just wasn’t very good. And I appreciate those who give their talent and time to the shut in’s around the globe and the residence love the people who take the time to come and entertain them. After the show a daughter and I are visiting with each other – just general conversation- I asked her “which mom is yours”. As soon as I asked this question I went back in time- back to when I would take my kids to new events/ practices. If we were new and especially on the first outing- the moms would visit with each other. Not long into a conversation one of of the moms would ask ” which one is yours?” And as soon as each mom pointed to theirs- you could see the resemblance between mother and child and also the pride in the moms face as she pointed out her child. I was brought back to the now- by the daughter pointing out her mom to me- I could instantly see the resemblance. And I wondered how much the mom looked like the daughter 20-25 years ago- and how she would look in 20-25 years from now. I pointed out my mom and we both had that same since of pride of showing off our moms. I had a tinge of sadness – for the future- and for the end -that is bound to come. A tip- I strongly believe if you treat your demented loved one like your child – back in the day when you were asked “which child is yours”- I think you will be reminded of the pride you possess in who your loved one was – who they are now and how much you love and admire what they have accomplished in their life- when the were living it fully. If you think about it- they have seen many changes, survived much and certainly given you all that they could give. Don’t look at them now as if this is all there was of their life- that would be an injustice. Some of you no longer have you moms or dads or both- with you on this earth- just remember you were and still are proud to point them out – in old photos- stories you share with family, etc. and i’m sure you and everyone else can see the resemblance. Love and Light! Cheryl Doreen

This is a post I did back in February- for some reason it did not get posted properly.

Just thought I’d share . (-:

These days, mom sometimes calls me – that is -when she can find my phone number- which I write down for her every time I’m there.  I’m not sure what she does with it- but I’m pretty sure she puts it in a safe place.  When I don’t hear from her, I know that she has forgotten the safe haven.  And that’s okay.

Yesterday, both Paul and I went to see her, and the first thing we do is hug! We took her out to lunch, then we drove her back to the home.  We went to the game room and she and I worked on a puzzle for a while.   She was content and her friend Mary was at another table working intently on her puzzle.  All was calm. 

While we were there, a resident- Walter, who’s 95 was wandering around aimlessly, he stopped and asked me where the memory section was- it seems his wife was recently moved to that section of the facility.   I remembered that I hadn’t seen her the past several weeks and wondered if she had passed on.  I walked with him to that section of the facility and found a nurse who told him that his wife “couldn’t come out” for a while.  Oh my gosh!   This interaction just broke my heart, the confusion on his face and the emptiness in his eyes were heart wrenching. They were the couple always holding hands – sitting side by side on the couch. Dancing cheek to cheek at the Friday Fun Music Hour.  I actually teared up.  And I prayed that he will have someone else he can lean on to help him get over this heartbreak.  I can’t imagine what he endures every second of every day.

    Several hours later Dorothy found my number and she called me, asking when I was going to come and visit her.  My response was “Maybe tomorrow I can make it that way”.   Her reply was “well, nothing is more important than your mother”.    I then asked her how her puzzle was coming – and we talked about that for a few minutes and

It’s sucks!  It’s hard!  Its life!   We all live and die we all die.   Most of the time it’s just tough watching our loved ones experience the last season of life.   If we stay strong and we stay connected to them, they will know that they matter and that they are loved, and we can have peace knowing that we did all we could do for them – even if they don’t remember.  

If you have someone in a home- or isolated at home- reach out with a hand written note- go see them and give  a friendly smile and a warm hug- will lift both of you up for a while.  

 You will need that note, friendly smile and warn hug, “Further on Down the Road”- Eric Clapton, Old Sock album.

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen Dorothy- she still calls, not every night- but most nights and the song she sings are still the same.  Today I sat down and wrote a card to her, went to the store to get her some essentials- toothpaste, powder, cream, mascara and York peppermint patties.  YUM!    What else does one need in confinement?  (-:

One night after talking for about 20 minutes- she hung up and called me back within a few minutes.   She wanted to tell me about the sign on the front door.  She told me it said, no visitors in and no residence out.   She said it was something about a virus – she said she would call me back when it was safe to come and visit.

Good and bad things about dementia.  Mom doesn’t remember from minute to minute.   So, this pandemic that is destroying our world does not weigh heavy on her mind.  For this, I am thankful- to me this is a good thing.   

She has already put her essentials away and she has probably read my note several times.  I chose to write it by answering the questions that she would ask me about. Hopefully the words that she reads will calm her spirit every time she reads it. 

If you know someone that you haven’t been able to go and see due to this lockdown- try the old fashion way of communication- write them a note.   This way they can put it on the table and it will bring a smile to their face every time they see it. 

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

It’s been two weeks today- since I’ve seen Dorothy.  March the 12^th I woke up and my Angels suggested to me that I stay at home and go see mom- so that’s what I did.   

The Coronavirus had just started taking a pretty good hold on the USA and as a country we were putting in motion a pandemic shield.   I went to get mom and they would not let me in until they had taken my temperature. I was fine, so they let me in.   I went to Dorothy’s room and we headed out, we stopped at the front desk and I had them take her temperature, I wanted to make sure she would be allowed back in- I love her, but- I cannot care for her 24/7.  She was fine so we headed out the door.

We drove 75 North to Barnsley Gardens- it’s a beautiful golf resort now -and they have done an amazing job of keeping up the gardens, the house and the museum that Godfrey Barnsley built back in the 1840’s. It is located in Adairsville and it’s a nicely preserved piece of Southern History, if you get the opportunity-check it out.

It was a beautiful day- no rain and a little overcast- a short sleeve and jeans kind of day.   When we pulled into the resort- the gatekeeper was happy to see us.  It seems that there had already been cancelations from major companies and we pretty much had the place to ourselves.   We told him where we were headed- the gardens-  he gave us directions to pull up right to the house, gardens and museum.  No parking signs were everywhere, but- we parked exactly where the gatekeeper told us too.   It was the perfect spot- easy for Dorothy to get around.  We were there for a while enjoying the fountain and the English Garden when the head gardener walked up.  He asked us how we were doing and how we got the car up here.  I explained to him that the gatekeeper told us it was ok to park there-and after seeing how “old” we were it smiled and turned his full attention to mom.

Mark was so kind to her and actually held an entire conversation with her about flowers.  It felt good to just step back and enjoy the interaction they were having. After about 15 minutes, he told us to be sure to go into the house and museum, which we did.   We took our time and mom was really engaged at looking at and reading about everything that was on display.   Thirty minutes later we walked back outside and down the steps to the car.  Mark was there and he and mom spoke for several more minutes.  Mark asked if he could take our picture- so I gave him the camera- when he handed it back to me, he said- “I’ve been where you are, it will be okay”.  (-:

Mom and I had a great day!  If this is the last day, I get to see her, I will be happy with that.  She asked me where we were even before we were out of the garden area.  I didn’t care- I told her where we were and what we did.   It was a long ride back to the home and she was very content most of the trip.  Every once in a while, she would start singing her song and I let her sing as long as she wanted.  I agreed with her and just let her do her thing.  It was a good day.

When we arrived back at the home, they took her temperature before she was allowed in- thankfully, she passed the test.   The next day I went to go see her and they were on lockdown- no one in and no one out, only the staff.   My Angels were right, I’m glad I listened. 

Not sure how long this shutdown will last, the good thing is mom doesn’t know the difference- so, she will be just fine.

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy calls me in a panic- she says the people are looking for their equipment.  I calmly ask,“what equipment mom”.  She says – “you know – the equipment they let me borrow when I was at the house”.    I ask her a few more questions and realize that this a new song.  It’s different than the Easter Eggs and the boys poisoning her.   She is clearly in destress and beyond upset- she even mentions that if she can’t remember what she did with the equipment that they are going to move her to the memory care wing.  

I calmly tell her I know for a fact that Paul returned the equipment and that he has documentation signed by them that they received it.   I had to tell her this a few times for her to calm down.  She was frantic- almost to the point of hysterics.  I remained calm and assured her that I knew what she was talking about and that if they came to her about it again that she was to give them my phone number and have them call me.  Again, I assured her that I would make sure that they received a copy of the paperwork that Paul had them sign when he returned it.

My first thought after realizing what was going on– is that one of mom’s friends has been moved to the Memory Care Wing- the residence call this “the crazy wing”.  I’m sure they are all in terror of being transferred there- because once you go in that wing, you don’t come out.  I can picture all of them fearful for their friend and wondering what what happened to whomever went in. Stories are concocted as to what they did or did not do to get there. Listening to all of this assumption, gossip, has all of their anxiety levels off the charts.  I’m sure they were wondering who will be next.

Mom sometimes use the words “storage” or “jail” to describe the situation she is in. I can’t imagine what tall tales are created about her own “reason for being in” let alone the others – think about it- you have a room full of little old demented ladies- who’s children just dropped them off and left and noone has been back since to see them. Their imagination is running wild and the fabricated facts are probably out of this world.  What whoppers of fake news are they are self-inflecting upon themselves?  

I can’t imagine the mental anguish they have- and I hate it for all of them.  All you can do is just listen to them, help the figure it out and agree with them. The hardest part is to try to assure those “left behind” that they will be okay.

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy gave birth on this day back in 1956 to a healthy baby girl- that baby was me- Cheryl Doreen.

If it wasn’t for mom and dad getting married back in 1954 on March 13- I would not be where I am today. So– thanks mom and dad, for falling in love, for having me and my brothers, for shaping my life, for teaching me the rewards of hard work, the joy of family and friends, for standing up for what I believe in, caring for me when I needed it, for loving me, for letting me have the freedom to make my own choices-and mistakes, and for believing in me.  

I do know that if mom remembered it was my birthday, she would either tell me in person or write these words on a card “Cheryl, you’re such a good daughter”.  I’ll take it- because I’m the only one she has.

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

When I had Dorothy out and about last week, I asked her what she remembered about her past. She answered, “not much Cheryl”.  I was disheartened to realize that the years are fading away and mom does not remember much of her history.  She doesn’t recall anything currently- and the last decade or the last 50 years seem to be muddy waters to her.  When I ask specific questions about specific snapshots of time- she remembers some events exactly as she used to tell them, but more and more of these memories are fading away.  She can remember how she met my day- he dated her sister twice and then asked her out, what her Granny taught her- to work hard and to be honest, what she and her sister did for fun- they would put socks on and wax the floor.   

When I ask her about her friends in high school, or where she worked when she was a teenager- sometimes she can recall a few memories, and other times she just says, “I don’t remember”. When I ask her about raising four kids- her memory is foggy at times. 

Mom always asks about my daughter and her family- but not about my son, he’s chosen a path that does not include us.   She asks about her youngest son, Paul- who is on this journey with her- who she sees at least once a week- but doesn’t remember. Her oldest son who died in 2009- whom she hadn’t seen or spoken to since 1992.

 She never asks about my younger brother – who left right after high school to join the Navy- he never came back “home” – he married, had a family of his own and also chose a path that did not include us. He did come to see her a few years ago- I’ve always been in touch with him- and I told him that if he felt he needed to resolve anything with mom, he should come and do it before she got any worse.  I always include him in the conversation and she always says he married a bad woman.

Her memory has shrunken down to about a 3-minute conversation, of asking about people she remembers. This 3-minute conversation is repeated over and over and over and over- at this point I am thankful for this conversation- I know that this conversation will dwindle down slowly and dissolve into her not remembering anything. And I’m sure as much as I know it is on its way, I won’t be ready for it. 

It is what it is- and we do the best we can.  My advice to you -is- keep asking your loved one questions.  Write the answers down- record them talking about their past- ask them if they want to leave any notes or words of wisdom to their children or grandchildren.  Just keep talking to them, keep listening to their song over and over and over again.  This way you will have it memorized and be able to tell them what you know about them when they get to that point where they don’t remember anymore. When they get to the stage where they cannot communicate anymore.  When you go to visit you can sit with them, hold their hand and tell them what you remember about them as being your parent,- or whatever they are to you- you will be able to  include the stories that are theirs — the ones that were before your time.  I am hopeful that they will hear you and somewhere inside they will remember themselves. Maybe some of the stories you tell will bring a smile to their face.  I’m sure it will bring a smile to yours.  I know it will bring a smile to me-when I sit beside my mom and tell her all about herself.

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy is tired of being cooped up- aren’t we all?  It’s been a long, soggy, dreary winter.   Spring is showing glimpses of color and the promise of brighter, warmer days- just around the corner. The time change just happened so mom will be surrounded by daylight after dinner, which I hope- will help her in so many ways.   

Mom and I did our usual Friday thing, the junky store, and this week we at lunch out at Folks.  She wanted hamburger and fries, so that’s what she got.   It was such a beautiful day that we drove up the highway northbound to see what we could see. If you look hard enough you can see the buds on the trees.  The daffadills are easy to spot as are the Red Buds and the other early spring plants and trees. She kept commenting on how good and warm the sun felt to her- being cooped up all the time limits your sense of life- and I’m glad she can still enjoy the sunshine.

Mom wanted to know the usual things- what I’m doing, when am I going to take her to show her my  new house, did I get a new car, where has Paul been- he hasn’t been to see me once since he put me in here, when can I go home??????   Questions, they are the same every time, and the answers are the same every time, sometimes with a little more attitude than others -LOL , but the answers are the same.  I never make her feel “stupid”, I always answer like it’s the first time she’s asking, because to her- it is. 

It’s okay, and I am looking forward to Spring, so I can get her outside and get her opinion on the flower garden I want to enlarge.  And hear her tell me again how wonderful the sunshine fills. 

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen