Dance like no one is watching!   That’s exactly what Dorothy and I did Friday.   I picked her up at the normal time and we did the normal routine. She is too funny- when we go to the favorite “junky “store  Revive– in Woodstock, mom will see something – pick it up- ask what day it is -(the longer the merchandise sits in the store the lower the price gets) she tries to figure out the pricing and dates on the tag.  She can never figure it out- but she keeps trying and keeps asking me to explain it to her.  The surrounding people that overhear this constant batter back and forth- either smile in compassion for both of us or look at us with confusion and wonder and sometimes annoyance.

It’s okay- I don’t let it bother me- it’s all about mom.  Again, I have to treat her like of my grandsons- or I don’t think I could survive the trials.   After about 5 or 6 times she stops asking- but still looks at the price and says “Well, they finally figured out they have to lower their prices to sell this stuff.”  LOLOLOL!!!!!!

 This actually would make a great short comedy for a film festival- Gary are you reading this?  

We complete our routine and since it was a rainy and nasty day- I decided to take her back to her place an hour earlier- on Fridays they have live entertainment/music and we arrived just as they got started.   We took her laundry to her room and I said, come on mom- let’s go dance-you can put this stuff away later.  

When we got to the “activities room” they were playing a slow song, so we sat down, and the nurses came and took moms drink order- they are allowed wine-or soda- but she chose water.  The next song was “Peggy Sue” – not quite like Buddy Holly- but ok for this crowd.   I said mom- do you want to dance?  She said, “why sure!”

We got up and started cutting the rug.  I learned a long time ago to dance like no one is watching, that’s when it’s the most fun!     

We were in the back of the room- and only a few of the folks saw us- but when they did- their feet started tapping and their heads started bobbing.  (0:  It was a “feel good” moment.  Mom really got into it and was totally enjoying herself.   The next song was another slow one and I told mom to go ask her friend Chuck to dance- and to my surprise -she did!   They got through the slow song- with mom leading -LOL- and then another fast one came on and I joined in – Chuck made it about half way through the second song and had to sit down.  He’s health is declining every day- and it did my heart good – to have a memory of dancing with Chuck.

It was a good day and I will make more of an effort to get mom back early on Friday’s for a dance party! I wonder if any of the musical groups that come to the home know “Can’t stop the feeling by Justin Timberlake? If not, I’ll have to pull it up and play it for a random dance party!

Today was a good day!

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy is getting older every day- and she has dementia on top of it.  Tough! 

• There are 5.8 million more people out there- just like her
• Alzheimer’s is the 6^thleading cause of death in the USA
• 18.5 billion hours of care is given each year
• $234 billion dollars are shelled out to that care
• 16 million Americans provide unpaid care- do the quick math 
• 1 in 3 seniors die of Alzheimer’s or Dementia – more than breast cancer and prostate cancer combined
• Only 16% of those who go to routine health checkups get diagnosed – your next checkup take the test
• 2/3^rdof those diagnosed are women
• Hispanics then African-Americans are more likely to have Alzheimer’s/dementia than whites
• “They say” that in 2019 dementia will cost the nation $290 Billion and by 2050 11 Trillion
• Every 65 seconds someone in the USA develops the disease
• People over 65 survive an average of 4-8 years after being diagnosed with dementia- some as long as 20 years with Alzheimer’s
• Caregivers are mostly women age 50 or older-1/3 are daughters-1/3 are those who are still raising their children and giving care to their demented loved one

The future is not looking good. And most of this is not covered by health insurance or Medicare- and the caregivers will be fewer- due to the M&M generation- therefore, this care is mostly out of pocket. Go take the test (-: (you can take one on line)

Suggestion for you to navigate in a more relaxed arena:

• Make sure you help them get their affairs in order at the first signs- don’t wait until it’s too late.  
  • Get control of their finances
  • Find out where their life issuance policy is- their long-term care policy is – savings accounts-and back yard or under the mattress cash is located
  • Get a living will made out- trust me it is more humane than you think- none of us live forever
  • Talk to them about their wishes- how do they want the end of their life to look like
  • Talk to them about their funeral wishes -all of it- form the obituary- to the songs played/sung/to what they want to wear for their final exit
  • Get on the same page as a family- if there is one person is not on board- kick them out- you don’t need them on this journey (harsh- but you will be better off) majority rules (-:
  • Remember to accept them and this disease – this disease does not define them or their life
  • Keep the children included in the demented ones life- it’s a family affair

Tell your loved ones how much you appreciate all that they have taught and done for you and be sure to tell them that you are proud of them-  tell them often that’s it’s ok for them to go on home- you will be okay until you see them again.

Love really is all you need. (the Beatles) (-:

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy has been in an uncomfortable state for the last few days- the moon in the “new” phase- (which means nonexistent in the sky) – and I wonder if that darkness that we experience in the universe affects her more.     Not that I’ve been keeping a true tally what days are more stressful for her than others other days, but- I’m thinking the moon is to blame.  LOL      The full moon also seems to affect her (and others) in stranger ways.  

This bring to mind the song by JD (John David) Souther “Banging my head against the moon” (Black Rose Album).   If not, indulge in some classic 70’s cool grooving music- great song – great album. Maybe I’ll play this one for mom next time she’s in the car. (-:

She still sings her song- if you don’t know it- go back a few posts her entire album is there.

Everybody deserves somebody to listen to them.  Even when it’s a sad song- which brings Elton John’s Sad Songs (they say so much) – (Breaking Hearts Album) to mind with the lyrics “When all hope is gone, sad songs say so much” give it a listen it also is a great song.

I hope you are that person to someone, and I hope you have that person in your life to help you cope when you need it most.

It will be alright- find the sunshine, find the goodness, find the fun, find the heart -in the one you are helping- it’s still there- even if they are demented.  

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy was notin a good mood yesterday- she started calling just after lunch- she was not a happy woman!  Last week when I was there, I left her a big activity book – it’s a 1^st-3^rdgrade activity book.  You know the ones; they have different activities on each page- color all the butterflies blue- or practice your printing- how many words can you write down that start with the letter W.    

I take her calls- always with an upbeat voice and ask how she is.  After I quietly listened to her tribulations -I asked her to get her activity book and have some down time doing a few pages.  She firmlytold me that she had already done some of that work and she wasn’t doing anymore today.   

Breathe in – breathe out.

I then suggested that she get her book and go outside and read- “it’s a beautiful day mom”- yes, it is a beautiful day Cheryl, and I do not need to be in the place.   I could tell that I was not going to get her to calm down – so I told her I was at work- which I was- and that I’d have to call her back.   

Again, I tried to calm her down and get her focused on going outside to read- finally she agreed to go outside- but, not before another minute of listening to her tell me why she did not need to be there.

It’s hard- it sucks!  Stay strong and remember -they are hurting more that you are- they just don’t remember.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Music- Mom loves country and bluegrass music.  When she is in the car and I remember to turn the channel to country- it calms her down.   She is quiet and calm and doesn’t sing much of her song. 

 I am in the process of “MacGyvering” some sort of a radio- hooked up to a timer- to turn on and off at designated hours- in a hidden place where she can’t’ find it.  I think I have it figured out in my head- but we will see if it actually works.

I could purchase an Alexis- or something similar- but you need wi-fi and someone to turn it on and off.  Not sure the “Assisted Living Staff would do that- (I’m sure they would for a price).    

My goal is to have this figured out by this weekend.  And I’ll let you know – if not -I’m going back to square one.

Just remember- demented folks are not themselves and the tiniest thing will set them off, sort of like a terrible two -we’ve all seen them throw tantrums.  The key is to just let them vent- and try to divert their attention to something else, like- “would you like to go out for an Ice Cream Cone?”   Once you’re in the car- they won’t remember why they are there or where they are going- but an Ice Cream Cone usually fixes everything for everybody.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

One of Dorothy’s Great-grandsons turned 7 the other day and she rode with me to the party.   You never know what you are going to get when you attend an outing like this with lots of people.  It was a party with that included other 7-year old’s, older kids and adults- some of which she knew and others she did not.   

When we arrived there was “fun” happening everywhere- so I placed her in the “safe” zone with people she knew and out of the way.  

I left her alone, knowing that she was in good company and enjoyed the party.   Eventually, she wondered over to a table where Paul was sitting with some other folks she knew.   I stayed out of site and out of her way.  I was surprised to see her adjust so well to the environment. I heard that she did say in conversation a few “better left unsaid” things, but everyone knowing her situation- just let it slide off their backs.  They said that at times she was normal but mostly just there. 

She enjoyed the day and after 5 hours (it was an outside party- which is easier for her to adjust) she was ready to go home.  We said goodbye to everyone and when we were in the car- she caught site of someone who she had been sitting with for several hours.  She turned to me and said is that “Norm?”  I said yes, and she said, “well– I did not know that he was here- I did not get the chance to talk to him”- “was he here the entire time”.  

I breathed in deep wondering how I should answer- finally, I told her that he had been there the entire time and that spoke. She didn’t say anything else about that- but turned to me and asked “where have we been?”  

I told her how we had spent the last several hours and told her we had a great time.  “Cheryl, why don’t I remember that?”  I responded with “I don’t know mom- “she then said – I only live in the moment these days Cheryl.  And that’s ok.

I turned Sirius radio to Willie Nelson- The Roadhouse- pulled out of the parking spot and we rode all the way home- peacefully.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

6/3/17

Breathe in, Breathe out!   Sometimes easier said than done.  (-:    Sometimes when Dorothy calls, she is so out of breath that I wonder if she knows that she is not breathing.  Sometimes I say, mom- just relax and take a deep breathe. Usually, this is the wrong thing to say – especially when she is ready to sing her song. (LOL)

Have you ever watched a little baby – even a toddler nap or sleep? They breathe so deep that their little bellies expand so much you think they are going to pop.  You can almost see them growing with each breath.  Their little bellies seem to expand like a balloon and then release back – in and out -in and out—-it’s actually very calming to watch. Somewhere along the way – at a certain point in our growing years we stop breathing deep.  It seems that the only time we breathe deep after this point in time – is when we exert ourselves in physical exercise or pleasure.   Or for those of us who practice yoga. 

My favorite doctor, Dr Jayne- tells me time and time again to stop and take 10 deep breaths – just like a baby would-at least 4 or 5 times during the day.  I will admit when I take the time to do this it renews me, emotionally, spiritually and mindly – (yes, I made this word up).     (-:

So, if you are taking care of a sick, or demented person- remember to breathe- and try to get them to do the same.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Good Morning!

Vacation! What a wonderul thing to do. These last few days – I spent a day at the beach- an afternoon with the Angel lady- a day at the pool- three days with friends- attended a highschool graduation-laughed-loved-ate-and slept like a princess. Life is good!

While I was recharging, relaxing and reflecting- mom was still going through the circle of dementia. I would still take a call from her in the evenings and let her express her frustrations of her situation. It’s sad that she cannot take a few days off to unwind- her mind won’t let her.

I’m so thankful that I have the memories we shared of time spent at the beach- on a hiking trail -or at her cabin in the woods. I will cherish these- and tonight when she calls frustrated and confused I will bring up a memory of one of those moments – maybe, just maybe- I can pull her back out of the sink hole she is in- if only for a few moments.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

It’s hard- and if you are experiencing a demented- or sick loved one- you know exactly what I’m talking about.

To keep the sun and the wind at your back is a constant struggle.   And it’s easy for me to write what works for me- but honestly, sometimes it’s hard to accept what is happening to mom.   

I can’t imagine the turmoil and the mental anguish she experiences every night with sundowners, (even if I do walk her though it just about every night).  The uncertainty – the helplessness, the fear, the sadness, WOW! It’s overwhelming for me some days- I can’t imagine what it’s like to be the one going through it.  

The Angels are watching over her and I know when it’s her time- she will be going back home to a place where there is everlasting peace and freedom- this is what we live this life for.

In the meanwhile, it’s my responsibility to keep mom calm, keep an open ear, an open heart and the realization that this is the way it is, it doesn’t get any better than this.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

It’s Friday!

  I’ve gotten mom and we’ve started our weekly Friday routine. We headed out to Home Depot made a few other stops and ate at Chick Fil A- it’s a beautiful day we ate outside.  The sky was so blue and the air was so fresh.  She is in such a good mood today- totally the My Hyde- of the Dr. Jekyll I’ve dealt with all week. 

I must be totally honest- she almost broke me this week- I was at the breaking point- I really was, I rebounded – It’s not about me- it’s about her. 

 I am in total awe of the folks that can keep their demented and sick family at home and care for them while going to work, raising children, living life.  I love my mom very much- but I am not one of those folks.   I am in great appreciation for the home she is in and the folks that surround her every day and the care she is getting.

I will say that dealing with mom has relaxed me in many ways that I thought I was already relaxed in.  I don’t get too upset anymore about the small stuff.  I don’t sweat the big stuff as much either.  It really is what it is.

 And the Serenity Prayer ( by Reinhold Niebuhr) is so true.  ”God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the difference”– was a long time coming for me- I thought I understood it earlier on in my life- but I am just know getting the total concept of the prayer.  

Just Breathe!

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen