Cheryl, I need your help! I do not know why I am here- or even where I’m at.  I do not need to be here -YOU need to come this weekend and get me and take me home. If you need to take me to the doctor to see if I can live by myself, you can do that.  Why should I pay for an apartment when I have a house that I bought and paid for. How would you like it if Jessica did this to you?  I never had a big involvement with anyone.  I never bothered my neighbors.   Who would tell Paul I was inappropriate?   If you want to move into my house and let me move into your house, I’d be happy to do that. I think it’s more of a Paul problem then a me problem- that I have.  Paul is not responsible for me.  I can’t figure out why Paul didn’t come to me and ask me what I was doing all he said to me was that I was being inappropriate.  Then he brought me up here and I don’t’ understand.  There is another issue that I don’t want to talk about, and I don’t know who did it or how and why it happened.  The two little boys broke into my house as I was stringing green beans and they poured something in my mouth, and it must have been a sedative of some kind. After I got here the girls were wondering if I was going to wake up. I was on a gurney in the hall way and they were glad to see me awake.  Then they put me in this room.  I’ve tried to quit thinking about it. I don’t’ know why no one asked me anything about what happened– of course the girls here told me that I didn’t wake up for 5 days they had me downstairs in the hallway- you know those carts I think they call them gurneys.  That’s what they had me on.  And they told me I’d been there for 5 days.  I don’t’ know if that’s the truth or not.  It’s a waste of my money and it annoys me- but you know I can’t seem to communicate with Paul anymore – he doesn’t even come and see me.  I remember one time he came and took me for a car ride.

I tell her there is a book on her desk – a journal that tells when everyone comes to see her, they sign in.

She finds it- and she doesn’t’ believe what she sees and reads.

I don’t like being here I have a house that I should have a right to be in it. I’m not going whine about it.  

No one comes to see me here- I’m all by myself- I don’t’ know no one here.  I don’t know why I’m here I don’t know that there’s anything wrong with me I don’t take any medicine – I’m paying to be here  and my house is empty.  I have no control I have no say and I have to accept that.  Because I have no power to do anything about it.  So, what’s your opinion?

Well, I think you’re in the best place you can be in at this point and time.  Your safe, and around people, Paul and I don’t have to worry about you when we are working. 

People here only eat and go back to their apartment.  I thought they would have exercise in the morning- but I went down there every day for a week and there was nothing- so I quit going.  So, you know I accepted it.  

I would like to go back to my house but I’m not going to beg or plead. I truly thought that I was a better mother to my children -but apparently, I wasn’t.

That doesn’t have anything to do with it mom.   You are sick- you have dementia. 

NO CHERYL- there is nothing wrong with me. 

I remember to go eat, go down to meals, I walk every day- and I can do that at my house.

Bye

Sigh!

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

30 minutes later on Mothers Day

Hello Cheryl,

I need your help- what day is it?  I have my calendar mess up.  What day is it?

Its Mother’s Day- the 12 of May, 2019

Oh that’s right- you came today to see me didn’t you.

Yes, we went to Paul’s and hung out for a few hours.  

So  how long do I have to be here?   Is there any medicine they can give me?

They give you medicine two times a day

I don’t remember that.  

My mind is working better today than it has in probably 6 months or more.  Because I just can think better.  So – I ……. but I’ve been looking at a book here and it seems like I’ve been out of it for a long time.   Is that correct?

I remember that when I first came in I was worse than I am now…what would you say?

Do you know what doctor I’m going to ?   does he come to me or do I go to him.  Dr. Ward comes to see you  

 I remember the name Dr. Ward- but I don’t remember seeing him or him looking in my ears eyes and nose.  

I am concerned about something and I don’t’ know if I need to tell you about it or not.  I need to think about it and see if it really happened the way I remembered it.  I want to think about it some more.  I’m gonna wait until I get a little more functionional.

Did they do any kind of blood test when I came in here- they need to look at my blood  –I wish they would have done that.  

So, I think I’m gonna be okay Cheryl- I think I’m gonna come out of it and be okay.  But I don’t know what I’m going to do ..i want you to start about thinking about what would be a good choice for me if I did not want to go back to my house.  I don’t think I want to do that. I know that you wanted to move to Woodstock, but now I’m concerned about you moving into my house because I don’t want you to have to go through this.   I don’t’ want for whomever did this to me confuse you with me and do this to you. I think that we need to think about that –like I said I wouldn’t want you to go through this.  Because I’m gonna tell you this ;but I don’t want you to share with anyone.  I remember I was in the living room and two young boys came in the back door and I was sitting on the floor doing something with paper and I can’t eremember what it was- they pushed m flat on the floor and poured something from a glass in my mouth. I tried to spit it out – as much as I could but it knocked me out -I don’t know anything after that until I woke up I didn’t know where I was I can’t remember where that was.  I’m not going to go back to that house..I want you to be very careful I don’t’ want something like this happening to you.  Don’t say anything to Paul about this…I don’t think Paul would believe it.  I just as soon not involve him with this…In the last two days I feel better and I can think better.  I still really hysterical but I think I’ll survive it.   I’m not going back to that house ever….. so – I don’t know what I’m gonna do I can stay here until I figure it out. 

I just want to share this with you.

I’m going to see if I have any ice cream bars -if I do I’m going to eat one and go to bed.

 I love you.

Bye~

The next several days of posting will be “recorded” phone calls from mom starting a few hours after I dropped her off on Mother’s Day.  Remember- I’m just listening and typing as she sings her song. (-:

4:45 in the afternoon

I was drugged.  Two young boys came into my house- I was on the floor sorting out birthday cards and they poured something down my throat. I must have fell asleep or something- because when I woke up, I looked at my doors and all the doors were locked- I don’t see how someone could of gotten into my house.  Maybe they snuck out the back through the back woods.  I wouldn’t recognize them now if I seen them. It concerns me that in a way that I don’t want to talk about.  Anyway, I don’t think I ever want to go back to that house – because I think that would happen to me again.  I don’t want to live someplace where I have to live in fear.  The assisted living I live in now is fine.  

But it’s very discouraging that all these people come up to me and ask me to help them but I cannot. But I want you to help me to figure out what I need to do.  I don’t’ think I want to go back to my house.  I can move into your house and you can live in my house.  I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t think feel that I can trust Paul- he has not been here one time to see me since I’ve been in here.  That’s fine- I  want to turn my finances over to you – sometime when you have time we can go to the bank and you can take care of it.

I want you to make sure that my money is spent properly.    I’m not saying Paul is doing anything wrong.  This is the second or third time this has happened to me in last year or two- where someone has poured stuff down my throat and I woke up here   I’m concerned about somebody in the neighborhood.   I don’t want this to happen to me again….we might want to look at assisted living- or maybe an apartment I don’t really know  but -I do want you to – I’ll give you my house if you want it.  You’ll have to think about if you want it or not.  You have said that you want to come to Germantown- but you need to be sure you like this community.  

If you do we can switch houses.  

Because I —you know it’s fine here but all I do is sit in the porch in the rocking chair.  Nobody bothers me here and the food not so bad and I think I have a few more years of life that I can live.  Who knows maybe tomorrow I’ll get hit by a bus.  

But I want you to think about this and see if you want to do this…  I don’t want to have to pay someone to  something like that.  So, but I’d rather you be doing it.  So you know you have a better communication with Paul than I do – I’m sure that you’ll be able handle it.

Ok mom I’ll take of it.

Ok love you bye!

Sigh~

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

It’s Mother’s Day!  I went to get mom mid-morning – we went to the grocery store and got some goodies for lunch.   I let her pick the lunch menu- of course I gave her two choices- (0: to make it easier for her.

She chose both ham and turkey lunch meat- with tomatoes and Havarti cheese.  She opted for croissants instead of rye bread (which was a huge surprise to me) and blueberry pie with vanilla yogurt for a dessert.  

We went to Paul’s house and put the groceries away and went for a quick walk up and down the street.  She had no idea where she was-the rain was heading in and we headed back inside.  We found “old westerns” to watch on the TV- Chuck Connors (-: The Rifleman- and Wagon Train- Terry Wilson and Robert Horton (who was always easy on the eyes). It was good to just sit and be still.  

After the second episode it was time for lunch – I fixed a few sandwiches and we sat down at the table to eat.   While eating and making small talk- about Mother’s Day and how many she has had (65) I tried to reflect on Mother’s Days past- the ones when we were little with homemade cards and gifts, flowers. The years where the gifts were grander and more logical.  Memories – enjoy them!

This year I did nothing for my mom – materialistic anyway.  I got her out of the home, wished her Happy Mother’s Day -at least 20 times (she never remembered-it was “It’s Mother’s Day?” every time I told her), Hugged her at least 20 times, told her I loved her at least 20 times.   

She doesn’t remember. 

After several hours I took her back to her place and I drove home- it was sad -to be honest with you. I thought of my friends who have already lost their moms- in a way I have too. It sucks! 

All the “thank you’s” and gifts I have given her over the years- I know she was thankful and treasured everyone one of them. And I know she appreciates what I do for her now- on good days she tells me “Cheryl, I really appreciate you getting me out and letting me feel like a normal person”.  

 And while I know that I cannot thank my mom enough for everything she has done for me, everything she has taught me, everything, period- I know she knows how much I appreciate her.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Random thoughts this morning: 

• Wear the “good” dress- wear the “good” shoes- drink the fine wine/champagne/whiskey- you are saving for a special occasion. Today and every day IS a special occasion share the “good” withs loved ones and friends.  

• Life is short!  Embrace it!    Enjoy it!     Experience it!

• Help who you can help along the way- without expecting anything in return.

• Find your gift and share it.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

I received a sweet email yesterday from a reader- who told me she has had her mother in law for 1 ½ years.   I can’t imagine the strength and grace she possesses.   I could not do this 24-7 she is a blessed woman and I know those around her appreciate and admire her dedication and strength.   Stay Strong Karen. (-:

She mentioned that she was using some of my suggestions- and that makes me happy to know I helped someone. The hardest part – for me- is staying positive and realizing “it is what it is” we can’t put them back to the way the once were.  We can only do what we can do- no matter how big or how small the giving is. And we cannot do it alone- we all need a support system- especially the caregivers.

Every day I am grateful that mom had the foresight to understand what was happening to her and the insight to tell us what was going to happen and how to deal with it. The fact that she took care of all her personal legal matters before she was too far gone is a blessing for our family. I can’t imagine getting anything done now in the condition she is in. 

 I can’t stress this enough- if you know the downhill is coming to a loved one- make the tough decisions before the disease takes them all the way down- you are the one that has to take control.  It is much better to do this before than to have to fight a legal battle on the back end.  

I cannot tell you how many times over the last year- and before- we put her in the home- that I would want to just scream!  Not so much at her- but at the disease.  Some days I don’t want to answer the phone- some Fridays I don’t want to go get her- some days I just want to be left alone.  Some days never come.   

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

It’s been a year since Paul and I put mom in her new place.   It’s been a long year.  So much of the same things are said or done over and over and over and over.   Some day’s – I don’t know how Dorothy does it.    Then I remember that she is fine and dandy all day long.  She is a light to the people around her and is caring and helpful to those in need.   It’s only after supper when the day is winding down- that her world comes crashing down.   I’m always there willing to answer the phone and just listen to her song.  I have learned that it doesn’t matter what I say to her- she will not remember.   We will go through the same thing tomorrow- with the same song.

Over the last few weeks I have been agreeing with her instead of reasoning with her.  When she sings her song and is done–or when I can get a word in- like I said before it’s like listening to a teenage girl who never takes a breath— I have been agreeing with her and telling her that it’s probably time for her to go home- and saying yes to everything else she is upset about.   It seems to work better – for her- and that’s what it’s all about- what’s better for her. 

Take the time- It’s gone in the wink of an eye.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

One hour later

Can you help me get back to my house  Paul put me up in this apartment place and I don’t feel comfortable here. The people in the other units are kinda – most of them don’t talk- but they don’t – they seem kind of grungy- I don’t know..I just don’t have a good feeling about the kind of people they are. I don’t feel comfortable and I don’t’ know what to do. It doesn’t do me any good to talk to Paul he won’t listen to me   I’ve just been staying in my room with the door locked and only going down to eat and then come right back.  I just don’t know what to do.  

Me :I’ll be there on Friday to see you- we can talk about it then.  

 I’ll be alright- I keep my door shut and locked all the time. You know you never see any workers either. Never anyone at the front desk.  I go and walk in the morning and there is never anybody there.  I was wondering if something happened where would I go if I had some kind of a problem?    I don’t know- but anyway , I’m assuming Paul picked this place out because this is where I woke up at.  But I’m sure the people are fine- they have their own problems.  You just never know what people will do. After supper I never go out of my room, I go back to my room and lock the door.  I don’t’ understand why Paul does this to me… he’s done it several times. To me I’m safer in my own house- so I don’t know but I -sigh- I just don’t um understand why my life has turned into a nightmare – basically.  

If you know —I thought I had a house, my own house I don’t know why I can’t go back there.

Well maybe you can find someplace closer to where you are to put me. There’s a couple assisted livings close to me– I don’t know how much they cost- I don’t know where I am- is it expensive? It’s like a motel type of thing- row after row of —so I don’t know – like I say I don’t know how my life got so out of control- you wake up and you don’t know where you are and you don’t’ see anyone you know.   I would like for you to help me to find a place where I feel safer if I can’t go back to my house.   I don’t’ understand why I can’t go back to my house.  Paul might listen to you better to you than he does me  I don’t know why he’s making decisions for me when I still capable of making them for myself   I don’t know I hope you can help me.

Bye

She just runs on and on and on without a breath-  I wish I could help her breathe.  Her song remains the same.

Peace  & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

25 minutes later Dorothy calls back.

Cheryl- I have an idea- why don’t you move into my house and I’ll move into your house.   What do you think about that?  Or maybe, I can get an apartment closer to you- Paul doesn’t seem to handle me very well.  

I don’t think I like it here, I go down to eat and go outside- the rest of the time I’m reading. I don’t know why I’m here- just because I had a fall- doesn’t mean I need to be here.  You just can’t imagine your life being like this when your younger- when you get old – someone else is running your life, so you know I don’t know. I don’t understand why I can’ live in the house I paid for.  – every time I turn around I don’t know where I am.  

I guess one of these days I’ll get used to it for several reasons-but, I’m not going to whine anymore. See you love you

 bye!

I can’t imagine.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

 It’s 6:15- mom has called me two other times this afternoon – asking me to call her when I get off work.   When I picked up this time her song began “I need your help, but I don’t think I want to go back to my house.   Ok mom- where would you like to go?

I’m thinking an apartment or maybe assisted living –  I think I could handle that  I just think it’s better if I distance myself from Paul- because I think he wants to – he knows I’m getting older and I’m going to die. And he doesn’t want- he wants to adjust before that happens – by distancing himself.    One day I’m gonna be gone and he —-it’s not going to you know —-he’s already had to learn to deal without being around if he distances himself from me.  Do you understand? I’ve been thinking about it- Paul and I have been very close– you know it was very hard for him when dad died. And I think that’s what he’s doing….maybe not –maybe– I don’t know.  But I think that is my theory   he may not even realize what he’s doing.

So-anyway but- I don’t think I like it here and I was thinking if I could get a small apartment in downtown – down around close to town – you could have my house if you want it- I don’t’ know if I have enough money to pay for as long as I live.  I don’t think I’m ready to go into assisted living – I don’t like people that well.  I do not like to be around a bunch of people all the time.  You can think about what I said and see if it’s reasonable and doable– and you know it sounds reasonable and doable to me.   I don’t want to be in assisted living you know me I don’t’ like a bunch of people—–  I don’t want to go in as long as I can do things for myself.  But, I don’t’ think I want to go back to my house.  I don’t think I quite understand what happened or why I’m here or what brought me here to this place and I just do not know – the only thing that  I really remember- that the person telling me when I woke up here saying well- your finally awake, well you’ve been here for 5 days and you are just wanking up.  I don’t want to know what happened- I don’t care- but I don’t think I want to go back to my house.  If I run out of money you will have to help me.  If I can’t feed myself then you will have to help me.  Maybe you don’t’ want my house – I don’t know- but you think about it.  You know better than me- you think about it and see if that’s something accessible for you. Paul hasn’t been to see me – do you know why?   Do you know how long I’ve been her- me, almost a year.    I did have a dream the other night – I was in my house in the living room and I was on the floor doing something with some papers and two young boys came in the back door in the living room and pushed me down on my back and poured something down my mouth and when I woke up I was in the hospital. I think Paul found me and took me to the hospital.  Did that happen, or do you think it was a dream.  I said, I think it was a dream.   Well, did Paul say anything?   Hummm so you think it was a dream.  I can’t figure out why I’m here   do you know why I’m here?  Yes, mom because you are forgetful.  Am I on any medicine? They come every morning and night to give you medicine–  no one comes and gives me anything – I think —-they did it for a week but I don’t think – I think I would remember – I’m pretty stable at this point- if they are giving me medicine I’d remember.  I think I only took it for 5 days- they said it was only prescribed for that long – they said the doctor ordered it.  I don’t’ know- I don’t know I still can’t figure out what happened to me that made me be put away. Tears start.

Me- I’m sure that’s how it feels mom (put away)    But that’s ok I’ve adjusted – that’s one thing I’ve learned how to do- to adjust.

Me- so, how’s Chuck– I guess he’s okay- he hasn’t come back from the hospital yet.  I haven’t heard from him or seen him, and you know he might of just —-I’ll have to look and see if his cars here.  Sometimes he just gets in his car and goes back home.  That’s what he did at the other place we were at. I think I only talked to him once- his door was opened one day and I talked to him.   I don’t know, strange when you get old, it’s not fun being old – dad had the right idea –die young.   So, I don’t know anything else   how’s the boys ?   

I bet they are getting big, they are very smart boys.  She likes that part ok I’ll let you go- talk to you later- I don’t know anything else. 

Bye!

Ok- I love you mom- I love you too Cheryl

All she needs is someone to listen. This conversation was 27 minutes- she didn’t take very many breaths.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen