Beulah Henriette Renfro Branham Stiver -was my mom’s mom.  She died today March 9th back in 2009, she was born on October 5,1914, Gran was almost 95 when she passed.   While she did not raise Dorothy, she was her mother.   (As you may recall on earlier posts- her granny raised her and her sister Delores- after their daddy died).  

Mom never did have any stories about Beulah- they did not have a good mother-daughter bond. Nor did she have any lasting memories that she could/or can hold close to her heart.  With the exception of few memories’ mom has shared with me about Beulah and her sister, Dutch- coming to see them every once in a while, there was no loving relationship between them. Mom always told me- when I would ask about her memories of her mom when she was a little girl- that she only remembers her bringing her and her sister new clothes and toothbrushes and hairbrushes- they never did anything or went anywhere together.  

Beulah did not seem to have dementia- I was around her a lot for the last 25 years of her life- when she moved in with Dorothy back in the 1980’s.   Her and mom lived together for almost a decade- until Beulah decided she wanted a place of her own.  Mom found her a small apartment- close to her and made sure she was safe and took her to the grocery every week and to get her hair done.   Beulah seemed fine to me every time I visited her, she new what was happening in the world and would read everyting she could get her hands on.

I was in awe of my mom at that time- who would be so kind and caring of someone who left her when she was so small and fragile – and only came around a couple times a year. 

I can remember the time I took Dorothy and Beulah to the Fox Theatre in Atlanta to go see the Nutcracker.   It is a cherished memory of mine-  we all got dolled up, went out to dinner and spent the evening enjoying the show. 

Beulah was better to me than she was to my mom.  She took me to church with her on occasion when I was younger- probably from the age of 7 to 11. After the service we would go out to lunch and drive around the country or go to the garden centers in the spring and summer.  I remember her always being dressed to the “nines”.  Her outfits would be totally coordinating, the dress, hat, gloves, hose (the cool ones, with the lines up the back of your legs), shoes and purse, earrings, necklace, bracelets – they would all match.  She was quite the fashion queen she was always looking sharp.

I am lucky enough to have been her only granddaughter, so I ended up with some of her jewelry- which I still have today, and when I want to channel her, I will pull a piece out of its special hiding place and wear it out- I always get compliments on whichever piece I choose.  It brings a smile to my face and warms my heart – knowing that Beulah is happy that I’m “showing her off”.   

Beulah decided that she wanted to die in Kentucky, it’s where she lived most of her life.  She had another daughter there, my mom’s half-sister- Anna Carole- and she made sure Beulah had a good assisted living place to live out the remainder of her days.   She died of old age within 5 years of moving.  

 I hope she did not die with any regrets- I hope she was at peace.   I was not there when she took her last breath-but I did see her two months before she passed.  She was content and had a peaceful look in her eyes and she knew who I was.  When I hugged her for the last time and told her that I loved her, I knew I would never see her again- in this life.  She was so fragile, so warm and she was so comfortable in our embrace.   

I’m pretty sure she lived her life the way she wanted to- Beulah did it “My Way” by Frank Sinatra- give it a listen.

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

I received a call one morning before I left for work that Dorothy was sick, and the nurse wanted to know if I was going to come and take her to urgent care or the emergency room.   I was like, What?  Please tell me what is going on.  The nurse said she did not know what was going on –but that Dorothy had been sick at both ends.  I asked how long this was going on and she informed me maybe 20 minutes.   I asked what mom was doing right now- and she said she was in bed. I told the nurse that I would be there as soon as I could. 

I did not go see mom until around 11:00 am.  I figured that if she had a bug, she would be sleeping and would not want to be bothered.  I took some ginger ale and crackers with me- just in case.   When I went to check on her, she was indeed in bed, with the covers pulled up over her head.  I asked if she was okay and felt her head- she said she was fine, and she was not running a fever.   So, I told her I would be back.   I stopped to clean up the bathroom and carry the soiled clothes home with me to get them washed.

I went back around 2:00 and she was up, dressed and asking me if I was there to take her out. She was not running a fever and she seemed just fine, so I chose to take her out for some fresh air.  As we were walking out of the home, a caregiver came up to me and said that Dorothy was probably sick due to the way a fellow resident had treated her at breakfast.  

It appears that mom was being “bullied by a “friend”.  The friend had made a sign and forced mom to hold up the sign and carry it around the dining room- for everyone to read. The sign was making fun of mom and a fall that she had last year that ended up in her breaking her hip.   If mom was in her right mind, I’m pretty sure she would have told the “friend” to go pound sand.  

I’m assuming mom did not realize until too late that she was being made fun of.  At the point of humiliation, she left the room- devastated and at that time became ill.   

I can see how something like this can make you so embarrassed that it makes you sick.  And after hearing this story -I had to bite my lip to not explode.  I thanked the caregiver for letting me know what happened and we went on our way.    It made total since to me- she was not sick now- but she was “terribly sick” just 7 hours earlier.   

We left for a few hours and there was no since in me questioning mom on what had happened. She’s totally in the moment- she doesn’t remember.  And I know her “friend” who had played this horrible trick on her- she is also demented, just effected differently than Dorothy.  

After I took mom back, I tried to rationally figure out how I was going to address this situation.   I decide to send an email to the director and let her know what had transpired with Dorothy.  After I sent the email, I felt better and waited for a reply.  I realize that this was not a “dire” urgency and I figured I would not hear back for a few days.   A week went by and I heard nothing, so, I called and left a message, still no reply.  The next day – I resent the message and called again and within 20 minutes the director called apologizing right out of the gate, about not getting back with me sooner.

She assured me that she had gathered all the information concerning Dorothy’s’ “incident” and that the “friend” (bully) had been talked to.  She also told me that the “friend” had done this before to several other people and can be quite aggressive in making people do things they don’t want to do.  She stated that they had spoken to her and her family in the past about this behavior.  

The director assured me that this would not happen again and that they do everything in their power to keep their people safe.   At this point- I felt that there is nothing else I can do; I just need to let it go.  As of this date there has not been anymore issues- that I’m aware of- the problem is you never know what goes on unless you are there.  And I can’t be there, so I just have to believe that all is well.

I can tell you, that it hurt my heart that someone did this to my mom.  It was the same hurt when someone takes advantage of your spouse, child, grandchild, sibling and friends.  When this happens to the young – we comfort them, face it, talk about it, educate them on how to prevent this from happening again and how to handle these issues going forward.   When it happens to the elderly, demented folks we are limited in how we can protect them.  Especially, if we do not have the luxury of taking care of them ourselves.

When I see this “friend”, I try not to treat her any differently, but I can assure you that my contact with her is limited, short and sweet.

All my brother can do is keep going to see mom, be aware, and drop in at different days and times.  And continue to give mom the love and support that we can.

Love and Light!

Chery Doreen

It’s okay to cry is a song I made up for my grandsons- for when they got injured, their feelings got hurt, or if they were disappointed because they couldn’t do something they wanted to do.  I sing it in an upbeat, reassuring voice while hugging them close, and it goes like this:

“It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to cry, you can cry if you want – if you want me to, I’ll cry with you, it’s okay to cry”.  

 It’s been awhile since I’ve sang this song with them– they are (almost) 8 and 10 so there is not too much disappointment in their lives these days, but on the rare occasion that they do get upset and or cry- I will break out in this song.   Usually the other one who is not sad will join in with me, and in no time all is well.  ❤

I walked into moms room for the weekly outing- she was sitting on her walker with a cleaning rag under her foot, after I greeted her, I asked her what she was doing.  She responded with “I’m cleaning the floor; I can’t get down on my knees anymore to do it”.   As soon as she said it, she broke down and cried.  I went and hugged her and tried to assure her it would be okay.  I’m assuming she was crying because she can’t do things, she used to be able to do- but I’ll never know.  I did not ask her why, but I asked her if she was going to be okay while I was hugging her and rubbing her back.  She started singing her song, “I don’t like it here, I don’t need to be here, I want to go home, there is nothing wrong with me”.   At this point her cry turned into sobs.

.  

I knew that in this moment there was nothing I could do or say to make her feel any differently -, so I left the room.   I started singing the song in my head and was careful to be very quiet.  I worked on putting her clean clothes away and stripping the bed.   After a while she came in the room where I was and sat down in the rocking chair.  I continued my silence and making of the bed.  After a while she started directing me on how to put the comforter on the bed, so I knew she was back.   I did as she requested and asked for her approval- LOL she replied “I guess it will do”.   

I looked at mom and noticed her damp eyes and the fear or sadness, not sure which- I asked her if she was ok, and if she was ready to go out for the day.  She brightened up instantly and said “Absolutely”.  Dorothy did not cry anymore, and she did not sing her song the rest of the day.   I can’t imagine what she goes through- dementia sucks!

We had a good day and we never mentioned the breakdown. At one point she did say:  I hope Jessica doesn’t do to you what you children have done to me.   I looked her in the eye and said “mom, if I get like you- I hope Jessica loves me enough to make sure I’m safe”.  She didn’t say anything.  

I know there will be more cry’s in moms and my future and to get through them I will be singing the song I made up for my grandsons- maybe next time she has a breakdown I’ll be able to sing it out loud to her.  

It’s okay to cry!

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

Perfect fit!   Ladies, what is the FIRST thing you think of when you hear the words perfect fit?  For me- it’s bra.  Yes, if the bra is uncomfortable it is going to be a miserable day.  When they fit perfect- happiness encompasses your entire body and being. (-:    For a perfect outside look it really does matter – as to what is within- and this includes undergarments.   

Dorothy probably hadn’t had been fitted for a new bra in two decades.  As we age our bodies- as you know- take on a mind of its own.   We stretch out like gumby in some places and in others we just flatten out like a pancake or blow up like a balloon.   So, it’s important to get a tune up and tire change every 10,000,00 miles  (-:    

I couldn’t stand it anymore; mom was looking like a six pack- but not in the right area.   So, I took her shopping for a new bra.  I can tell you that it was an adventure. As soon as I put in my mind back in time -to the first time she took me to be fitted- I was able to enjoy the experience.   Mom was a big fan of the 1970’s “pointers”- they are nice – they do lift and separate and mold you to the perfect Gabor look- they just don’t make them in every cup size.   This was the problem she was having – she was overflowing- so, I took it upon myself to go big or stay at home.  LOL

To me the best bra on the market- is also one of the most expensive one- the Wacoal- but we are worth it!  This company must be run by women- because they “get it”.     Like the perfect pair of jeans- we have to try on several sizes and styles to find the perfect fit.  The bra is the same way- it takes time, and several trys to find the perfect fit.  With the Wacoal brand they go all the way up to a cup size “H”.   Most brands only go up to a DDD- so you are limited in what you can “squeeze” yourself into- if you were blessed or burdened (depending on how you look at it) with the big girls.

I had mom try on several styles, sizes and cups- of the Wacoal and when she finally said “this one feels really good” I took the tag off of it- and told her she could wear it home.    

We took the tag and looked for a few others in that style and size and I purchased them for her.   When I gave the lady the tag and told her mom was wearing one home- she just looked at me and smiled.   I’m sure she didn’t know what to think- or maybe that happens all the time. 

I will say that the next time I saw mom- she was wondering where all of her bras were- I had taken them all out and only left the new ones.    She told me that she didn’t like it that her boobs didn’t stick straight out.  Lolololol   After I stopped laughing,  I told her that her old bras were not fitting her, that she looked like she had six instead of 2 and that we had gone shopping for new ones the week prior. I asked her if the one she had on was comfortable- she said yes- and we haven’t spoken of it since.

Take the time, you are worth it!  Go find the perfect bra (-:  and if you have someone who needs your help – who is long overdue in getting the perfect fit, help them out.  They will appreciate it.

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

On occasion when I go to get mom I walk in on her coloring or putting a puzzle together.   Sometimes she will do these in the library- they have slightly larger tables there- but mostly she does them in her room.  We bought her a 3’ long 2’ foot wide table that sit perfectly under her window.  Most of the puzzles that are in the library are 300 count- these are too many pieces for her to do on her table.  So, I’m on a mission to find her 200 count- this size is perfect and not so overwhelming.  Although time is skewed for her, she still likes to have that feeling of accomplishment. And- if the puzzle sits unfinished on the table for too long it’s frustrating to her.

Coloring books aren’t what they used to be.  It’s hard to find a coloring book that are “simple” you might remember them- the ones with a princess on one page the prince on the other and a frog and a wicked witch in between.  Or one full of animals – or one based on Micky Mouse and his friends.    These are the coloring books that Dorothy likes.  They are easy to complete she can finish a page in one sitting- for instant satisfaction.

 She says that the new fancy coloring books are not any good- the ones that take several days or even a week to finish are too “hard” there is too much going on and the end is never in site. 

So, I often look at the dollar store for the good old fashion coloring books and sometimes I’m successful. The 200 or less piece puzzles are pretty easy to find.    It’s true- if we live long enough- we really do circle back to simplicity.  (-:

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

What a wonderful Birthday Weekend Dorothy had.  She is totally worn out!  I hope she slept like a princess last night.  

Lunch was at a delicious Italian Restaurant and everyone was happy to be there, the atmosphere was very refreshing!   Mom had no idea what she wanted so she and I split a Chicken Parmesan- it was delish.  We had bread and salad and Chocolate Cake for dessert.  It was perfect.   

Her great-grandsons sat beside her and engaged in conversation with her.   The oldest grandson looked at me after she answered a question- and he asked me if that was correct.   LOL- they are both aware that she does not remember- but they don’t quite realize how she can remember years ago and not 2 minutes ago. I told him that yes, it was correct.

We hung out about an hour and a half – on the way home mom talked about “the home” and how she ended up there- she told the story again of how two boys broke into her home and how one of them held her down on the floor as the other one poured something down her throat.   She does not remember what clothes they had on- but, she remembers the were 11 or 12 with dark hair and very mean looking.    My brother and I just look at each other in wonder- where does this story come from?   Did it happen sometime in her past when she was a little girl? Did it happen on one of those CSI shows? Did she dream about it?  Did she read it in a story and could somehow relate?  We will never know.  We just listen and ask a few questions- we never tell her it didn’t happen.  Why would we?   It’s her story.

I asked her if the police had caught them- and she said she wasn’t sure – but she hoped so – so that they could not do that to anyone else.

As I said, she was worn out when we dropped her off around 4:30 – but, by 6:15 my phone was ringing, and she was asking me when I was going to come and see her. 

  I told her I’d be there to get her on Friday.

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

Dark and lonely months of Winter- sometimes, if we are not careful- it will get us depressed. I have found myself falling in depression for a few weeks.  I am so ready for Spring and the rebirth that it brings.

I can’t imagine how depressed mom and the folks like her are feeling- at least I can get in my car and drive to find something different to look at. “The same four walls- the same hallway- the same dining room- the same people- the same – the same- the same- It’s depressing”.   Dorothy tells me this on occasion- how everything is the same- nothing happens “in here” – day in and day out – it’s the same- it’s so depressing.  I get it, and I hate it for her and all of them.

The problem is— she does see different people every day-she just doesn’t remember. Someone is usually coming in and entertaining them.   Just this week there was a kindergarten group who came in and brought them all socks. Everyone got a pair; the little ones were so proud that they were able to give something to someone and to sing their songs and visit with the “shut ins”.   

Dorothy is one of the lucky ones, my brother and I go and get her when we can and take her out- even if it’s only for lunch – or a drive. This week- it is her Birthday week- and our schedules allowed us to go and get her out several days in a row.   Thursday, Paul took her to her favorite eating place- Five Guys- and took her for a drive.   Friday, I took her with me to the County Court House to file some paperwork.  We got to drive up the interstate and see the mountains, she was the first to notice the snow on the top of them. And she can still read LOL- she read every sign on the road. (-:   

  We stopped at our favorite Apple Store -then we stopped for lunch and visited a boutique that we go in every time we are in the fun, little town of Ellijay.  She has been to all of these places over a dozen times -with me and without me- but this day, she didn’t remember ever being at any of these places.  It was both sad and interesting to me.  Dorothy was like a kid going into a candy store at the Apple Store- like she was seeing it for the first time.  She showed me all the things that caught her eye.

On Saturday- her Birthday- I took her to the mall to buy her a new pair of shoes- she doesn’t like to tie them anymore- so we had to find something other than house slippers.   (-:       I let her walk around the store and pick out as many shoes as she wanted to try on- she picks a half a dozen.  We sat down and tied them on and when she finally found a pair she liked- the 5^th pair- she was happy and so was I.   We then headed to the food court – I sat her down at a table while I went to order lunch- I found myself checking on her – like I did when I let my kids sit at the table for the first time  while I went to order lunch.  (All you moms and dads know exactly what I mean.)  Right after lunch she was ready to go back to her place.  I’m sure there was too much commotion for her- it was Saturday- and there were lots of people out and about.    When we got back to her place and I got the shoes out- she asked me what they were and where I got them. I just hugged her and said, “Happy Birthday Mom”.

She did sing her song a few times on the ride to and fro- and I listened like it was the first time I heard it. It sucks!  It’s hard!   But it is what it is, and we do what we can do.  Sometimes she is here with me in the moment- and those are the moments I enjoy- those are the moments I cherish.  There are fewer and fewer of them – and I remember her telling us that this would happen.  So, I hold on to them — those moments- as long as they last.

Today we will get her out again and go meet my daughter and her family for a lunch, birthday celebration.   I will sit at the opposite end of the table and enjoy my grandboys.   My daughter will sit at the “quiet” end of the table with her grams and enjoy her, Jessica will ask her a ton of questions and listen quietly.  I know that she will focus on remembering Grams when she was vibrant and more herself- you know- the good “old days”- when Dorothy was in her prime. It will be a good day.

We all get to live- we all get to die—–we don’t get to choose how we die- only how we live.  Those of us who are living and watching a loved one die have to choose how we will live through it.  Somedays it’s really, really hard and sometimes we shut down for a time. And- it’s okay.

I’ve been off of here for quite a while and I’m back.  I had to hibernate through the winter – I had to breathe- I had to sit quietly and figure out how I’m going to live.

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

Christmas Cookies!

   Last Friday I got Dorothy and did not want to get her out in the hustle and bustle of the Holiday Season, so- I thought we could make cookies.   I figured she would be able to measure out the ingredients without a problem.  Wrong!   She struggled to count out 2 cups of sugar.  I did not make a big deal out of it- why would I?  It’s ok.   So, I went into grandma mode and I responded just like I would to one of my grandsons.  When I’m in this mode with mom I try not let her know I’m treating her like a “little kid”. Sometimes I’m successful and sometimes I’m not- this day I was successful.  Too bad no one was around to videotape it- we could have recorded our first “Cooking with Dementia” video.   I had all the soup bowls out on the counter and the kitchen looked just like a cooking set.

Dorothy was precise and focused -in the moment- while filling the measuring cups to full- then confused- she would ask what she needed to do next.  I was a patient instructor recalling the times in the past when we would make fudge or jelly together.  I must admit, there were a few tears rolling down my cheek- as they are now as I write this.

 It’s interesting how a lived life comes back around- and it’s a good thing that they do- now I have memories of the circle- mom teaching me, us doing it together and me helping her.  

 I finished making the cookies and mom “cleaned up” the mess.  LOL, she did this like a little one would do – not quite clean dishes. LOL   

After the cookies were made, I made us some lunch.  I asked mom if she wanted a cookie for dessert and she said yes, after taking a bite she said to me “These are really good Cheryl, did you make them?”   Sigh. !!!…….  I smiled at her and told her that I did.   

It’s a shame that dementia takes our loved ones to a place we cannot understand.  It sucks!   But, I’m glad I’m able to walk with mom through this journey of hers.  I pray it will be a short walk for her.

Enjoy the cookies in life!

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

It was a Friday a few weeks before Christmas and I brought mom over to the house- it was a wet, rainy, and very cold day.  What to do today, I thought?  What better activity is there than decorating the Tree?  I carried the boxes of ornaments up the stairs and pulled them out of the box and handed them to mom- one at a time. I watched as she intently looked at the tree and picked the perfect branch to put each ornament on.  She did not get in a hurry and neither did I. She dropped a few- slipped right through her fingers and she didn’t seem to mind.  I cringed and stopped handing her the ones that were antiques- the ones that hung on the tree when I was little. I just kept them stored safely in the box- somethings just can’t be replaced.

When we were out of ornaments- she stepped back and smiled in delight and was really pleased with herself- she actually did a great job.  It’s another memory she will not remember- but one that I cherish.

Do you remember the last time you let a little child decorate the tree-all by themselves? And not do any rearranging?   If you remember – then you know that they are totally focused on their chest area and up- to the tallest part of the tree that their little hands can reach.    Well, that is how mom decorated the tree- LOL.   I did have to laugh with a few friends I told this story too -and they agreed with me- that it is perfect just the way it is.

Some works of art just need to be left alone.

We cleaned up the tubs and made lunch. When she sat down to eat, she said Cheryl your tree looks great! You did a great job decorating it. I just smiled and said ” Thanks MOM”!

Merry Christmas!

Peace, Hope, Joy and Love!

Cheryl Doreen

It’s the holiday season, so there are a ton of folks in and out of the facility.   Some come by to visit – but, most are the church groups, girl/boy scouts, preschoolers, high school choirs, etc.  It’s a nice four week run, then the place will shut down again, or get back to “normal -“whichever way you want to look at it.

January and February are cold, dark and lonely months, especially for “old folks” who can’t get out and get any fresh air.    So, remember while you are visiting them this month put on your calendar a day a week to go and visit them in the dead of winter.   It will brighten their day and if you can get them outside to feel the cold fresh air on their faces.   It just might stir up some happy, fun memories of their youth- playing outside in winter – especially when they were growing up- could just be some of their happiest memories.

It snows here in Georgia every few years- I hope it snows this year, so I can get mom outside and let her put the head on the snowman and dress him up.  (-:     

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen