Dorothy’s friend Chuck was taken to the hospital on Friday night. Mom and I were walking down the hall and in passing his room –we saw the nurses assisting him.  Next thing we heard he had been taken to the hospital. Chuck is a great guy- he has lots of fun stories – an easy smile and just fun to be around.   He has been very nice to mom and helps her out when she’s confused.  

I called the Assisted Living later that evening to see if I could get the phone number to one of his family members to check on him to make sure everything was ok.  They said they could not give out that information- which I totally understand.  

 I called the surrounding hospitals and found him- they transferred me to his room – but the phone rang off the hook.  I called for a few days-still just a ringing on the other end- no one picked up.  

When mom called last night- I asked if Chuck had come back from the hospital she said yes, he had gotten back today.  She couldn’t remember anything else about it.  I did not take her word on this situation- she just doesn’t remember.

I reached back out to the Assisted Living to see I could give my phone # to Chucks family and have them contact me.   That’s when I found out that Chuck has no family listed.  Only a friend as his emergency contact.   

I asked if she would reach out to him and have him contact me.  

I was so sad that Chuck doesn’t have anyone- and it made me wonder how many people out there don’t have anyone.   )-:

I hope Chuck’s friend reaches out to me- so I can keep in touch with Chuck if he has to go back into the hospital.    

Also, I can’t wait until Spring- I think I will take both mom and Chuck together-out from time to time.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

A reader asked me” how do we deal with the guilt”. 

For me guilt is like grief – it’s individual.

Some of us never get over it- we bury it deep within and never address it.   When we do this- we are subject to being sad, angry, heavy and dark.  Never- is a long time.- to long to carry such a burden.

Some of us are outwardly open about it- we want everyone to know how we are feeling. We express it constantly -reminding ourselves and others of our guilt or grief. If we do this – we are taken as dramatic and weak – we are seen as always relentlessly wallowing in self-pity.  We can lose relationships this way-it’s a total turn off.

 Some of us talk it out-  with a friend or professional and try to understand it- we fall to our knees and cry- bawl like a baby- get it out . We learn to accept it and move on. We are not heavy or dramatic- we know that it’s just life. We move on.

 My daughter helps me more than she knows with the one line she tells me when I’m confused or upset about something- she says “It’s NOT about you mom”.   She’s right- not everything is about you.

I am in a good place on this journey with mom- I don’t carry any quilt or grief around about Dorothy. She wouldn’t want me to. My brother and I are very blessed that she was able to educate us about the stages and her wishes. While it is not easy, we are respecting her wishes. Yes, some days it just downright sucks.

Years ago, I subscribed to “A Network for Grateful Living”. It’s a wonderful site with daily “inspirational” quotes. The one below came to me the same day that the reader asked me the question. 

I believe it to be an Angle Wing Breeze. (-:

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Friday my grand puppy (3 months old) Charlie, came with me to spend the day with Dorothy.  She was so surprised when I came in with Charlie on the leash.  Mom, is not an animal person- at all.   But, she took his leash and walked him down the hall to her place- talking to him in a sweet soft voice the entire way.  We did the gathering of laundry and headed out the front door. Mom had to stop several times to let the residents check Charlie out- they were thrilled to meet him- and he was enjoying the attention.

I would get Charlie all settled with his leash and would turn him over to Dorothy to be in “charge of” him.  She did great -and he loved being able to go wherever he wanted and drag mom all over the place.   We put him in his “home” and went to lunch and did our normal Friday Fun stuff.  When we got back- I got Charlie ready and sent him off with mom- while I finished the laundry. It was interesting to see her demeanor soften.

Mom did not say anything about wanting to get back to her house when Charlie was around, but- must have said to be Twenty-five times “Cheryl, what are you doing with a dog?  You don’t need a dog?  Why did you get one?   Twenty-five times I told her that Charlie was her grandsons dog and I was just watching him while they were out of town.

She doesn’t remember hanging out with Charlie.  But, that’s ok- I’ve got the memory and the photo.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy called today she started out with “I think you children over react on my condition.  I’m a normal 82-year-old person.  Paul makes me feel stupid, he doesn’t understand that there is nothing wrong with me.

He put me up in this two-room building -I guess it’s an assisted living of some type.  And don’t tell me I told him it was time for me to go into a place like this, I don’t remember saying that.  I don’t believe I ever did that.  My knowledge of it is –I woke up and had no idea where I was. But, anyway, I don’t feel comfortable here I don’t like it here and I want to go home to my house .I worked and paid for it.  It should be able to live in it until I’m able to decide that I will need to be here. I am hoping that Paul will come to his senses but- I won’t talk to him It will be a long time before I speak to him again. I’m so disappointed and hurt by the way that he’s treated me that I don’t …..I can’t get over it.  I’m trying hard but um it’s difficult.  So—- but—- that’s my house and I worked and paid for it and it can take care of it and I want to be there.  And…. but I don’t’ want anything to do with Paul I don’t think I’ll ever want any interaction with Paul again, he doesn’t have to worry about talking to me. I want to be back in my house”.- (again all this without a breath)  

Ok mom- I’ll see what I can do.

Great! I’m hoping that you can make him understand because I don’t want to make a big issue.  

You tell him he doesn’t have to worry about talking to me or do anything for me.  I don’t want to do that in this point in my life. I’m still perfectly capable of taking care of myself.  I’m not happy here I hope you will be able to handle it for me.

You call me when you get it all straightened out.  I probably won’t call you again.  I’ll wait for you to call me.

I’ll talk to you later.

I love you.

Bye.

Ten minutes later she calls back.  Same story.

Sigh!

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy made her daily call at 6:15 last night.  Even though I was out with frineds- took the call.  I asked her if everything was ok and that I’d have to call her back in about an hour.   

She said ok- no problem- you don’t have to call me back, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Fifteen minutes later she called back.  Again I answered- she had no remembrance of calling me just a short time before.  I asked again if everything was ok and she said – I really need to talk to you.  I again said I was with friends and I’d have to call her back.  

Fifteen minutes later. I did not answer.

Fifteen minutes later. I did not answer.

Fifteen minutes later she called again, and I answered. Her song was the same as most nights- I need your help getting me out of here. I listened for 25 minutes.

I hate that she doesn’t remember.   I can’t imagine what she is going through.

Remaining cool, calm and collective it the secret.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen 

Dorothy’s mother-in-law -Ella –was nota grumpy old person. She was always happy.  I remember going to family reunions on dad’s side and all her sisters would be there- and they were all very happy.  It was almost like they were trying to see who could be the happiest. (-:   As I saw them through the years as we all grew older – they never seemed to have aged or gotten old and grumpy- they were just as happy as I remember them being decades before. They were always full of love, light and laughter.   But, I will say- some of their husbands were old and grumpy.  LOL   

Maybe it’s in the genes. (-:     If so, I hope I have Ella’s genes- I just want to grow old gracefully and happily.

  I hope my daughter and grandsons don’t see mom as old and grumpy- I hope she keeps her “self” about her and is always happy and up beat when she talks to them. And their memories of grams are of love, light and laughter.

Dad died young- the age of 49- mom often says she is mad at him because he was lucky and died young. That he was lucky that he didn’t have to deal with any of the issues she is dealing with.  I do know that he suffered with his cancer and while the radiation and chemo took every life cell out of him- he was never grumpy or mad.  I never heard him complain.  Maybe that’s what parents do- protect their children from their pain.  I can’t help but wonder- if he was to grow old – would he be happy like his mom? Or would he be a grumpy old man? 

Mom isn’t grumpy all the time- just at Sundowner time.  She seems to be fine all day long- at the home- with her friends. 

Knowing this gives me some peace and comfort.  

And we are all looking for peace and comfort- I hope mom has it during the days.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

While Dorothy and I were in the car- this past Saturday -she turns to me at a stop light and says

“Cheryl, I know why old people are so angry all the time”  

Why?

“Because they are old- and they can’t do things that young people can, and it makes them sad- then they get mad. So, that’s why we are grumpy-I don’t like getting old”

I smiled at her and said- “I totally understand mom” 

I do really!  There are things that I can’t do today that -I could do 5 years ago.  But, I’m not mad about it-( well maybe a little) – I still have my freedom and there’s a ton of stuff that I like to do- that I can still do. 

I can see how being old and grumpy goes hand in hand. When I was younger all the old people I knew were grumpy (except for my Gran Ella). And to be honest- when I was really young, I was afraid of them and I didn’t want to be around them.  One of my weekly chores was to walk up to granny’s house-get her grocery list and go to the store for her.. I would not like it one bit-for me it was very creepy.     She was old, wrinkled, hard of hearing. She wore thick coke bottle glasses that made her eyes look like they were popping out of her head.  When I would return from the store, she would ask me to stay and visit. I must confess that I did not stick around very often- I was ready to get out of the scary place- and get back to playing.   On the few occasions that I did stay -she asked the same thing- how old are you? What grade are you in? What’s your name? Where do you live?  I couldn’t understand why she didn’t know who I was or what my name was.   It was pretty intimidating for a little kid. Granny raised my mom- I’m sure she had some wonderful stories.

The lyrics by Rod Stewart “I wish that I knew then what I know now” ( Ooh La La)  is pretty accurate as I reflect back on situations and options in my life.  I wish now that I’d have known to asked her questions and listed to her stories. But most of all- I wonder what hersong was- I wonder if it would have been like Dorothy’s?

The saying “youth is wasted on the young” is so true- especially the older I get.  Stay away from that rear-view mirror some of it is an iceberg of regrets- and we don’t need to dwell on those. Over time, they will melt.

Embrace the journey you are on -in all areas of your life!  

If you go against the flow- you won’t enjoy the float.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Hello,  I have a friend who is just getting started with her mom on their journey of Dementia.  This is a letter that she wrote her family- she then shared it with me- I asked her if I could share it with you.  And she agreed. Every story is different.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Hi, everybody. This is a plea, and I hope you’ll grant me the time to read this and the respect to consider all that I’m asking.

Mom is a bit of a mess. She’s an emotional wreck, and I believe (though I’m not a psychologist) that she is slipping into some type of dementia. I have spent hours over the past week talking and listening to her, and things are clear: she is not the same person we knew even six months ago.

Now look, we all know mom can be hard to deal with; we ALL can be. But she is our mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, etc., and it’s time we ALL put Christian and just basic loving values at work and treat her with kindness and patience. Let shit roll off your back. Stop trying to improve her. Stop trying to teach her new skills or change her. Deal with her AS SHE IS and LET GO of your wishes that she be or do something different. It’s not going to happen.

She is extremely defensive these days; I can breathe the wrong way and she thinks that I’m making a snide comment to her when I’m not. I’m trying to learn how to back out of those situations and get her to put down her armor. It’s not easy. None of this is easy.

I came to visit and stayed with her last Saturday, and on both days, she went through the same review of her childhood that we’ve all heard before. Normally, I would recoil, but on Sunday, I got up from my chair and sat beside her on the sofa. I then simply wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. None of us can help what she remembers as a bad childhood; we weren’t there and we don’t know what she’s looking for from us. But just LISTEN and care. Just do that!

Now, here’s a topic she’s especially sensitive about: her physical therapist, Bill. Okay, so she has a crush on the guy. SO WHAT?!? Let her! Let her love the man in whatever way she defines that love! Let her send him flowers for Valentine’s Day! Let her make him 40 scarves or 50 pairs of bedrooms slippers – whatever! Let her flash him her breasts in the waiting room or parking lot! Let her do whatever she wants to do (that he doesn’t mind going along with)! WHO CARES? His wife doesn’t; why should we? She’s not hurting anyone. Let her see him four times a day if he can manage that. WHO CARES? It makes her happy; he makes her happy. Leave your criticisms and mean-spirited humor OUT OF IT. Stop judging. Just let her be happy having him as a young “friend.” Let it be.

I love mom; she is my mother. But I also am going to stand up for myself and ask ALL OF YOU to HELP ME in spending more time with her and simply BEING NICE TO HER. Talk to her on the phone. Take those beautiful grandkids to see her. Just BE KIND and LET HER BE HER. It’s time.

Thanks for listening.

Sunday Evening- I’ve been on the phone with Dorothy since 6:22 – It’s 7:18 – her song is the same.  )-:  

I hate it for her   When I’m with her one on one- it’s a lot harder than it is on the phone.  At least on the phone I don’t have to listen, I just have to agree, and speak every once in a while.  I do the laundry, or the dishes (on mute of course).   Sometimes she cries – sometimes she doesn’t.   Sometimes I can get her in a different direction – sometimes I can’t.  Tonight, is a can’t night.  She is so sad and distraught about what has happened to her.  And we all know – nothing happened to her- her memory is just gone.   

She’s worried about me tonight- if I decide to move into her house- that the same boys might break in and do the same thing to me.   

“ Because they are just mean- I don’t know, I mean, I’m totally, I guess I don’t know how to express it. I’m totally blindsided- not sure why someone would do this to me.   So…. somebody had to do it. Do you think I’m logical?  I just —you now, I don’t know, I don’t know what to do Cheryl.  I don’t want to live in fear, but I want to continue living my life, I’m going to have to figure out how to do that.  I might have to leave Georgia.  I thought about going back to Ohio- I know people up there, I have cousins up there and people.  I’d get a place to live and just live my life.  I don’t need a big group of people around me  I don’t’ need somebody coming to see me every day.  I know I’d miss you and Paul- but I could talk to you on the phone every day.  I don’t feel safe here, I was thinking if somebody finds out where I am– here- they could come and do something to me here.  They could just walk in – who would know.  So, it’s —–I guess I think too much.  I’ve been thinking I should go into Assisted Living , but I don’t know how much it will cost.   I thought I had insurance  I’m going to need your help and a specialists to make the right decision.  To see if I’m stable enough – I’m thinking you know what I want to do.  I know my way around and I know where I am. So ……. but I don’t know what to do . I truly don’t know what to do.

I’ll help you figure it out mom. 

Thank you Cheryl

Tears- 

I’m crying because I’m afraid of getting attacked again, I think.

This conversation- her song goes on and on and on and on- for 1 hour and 12 minutes.  I’m glad I was here to listen to her.  

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Friday was a good day with Dorothy.   When I went into the home to get her- she was in the lobby reading- I wonder how much of it -if any-she retains?  She’s always been a reader- I’m glad she is still interested and gets pleasure from it. It makes me happy to see her content and looking “normal” in these moments. 

Dorothy did not see me walk in- she was totally engaged in her book.   One of her friends walked up to her and asked her if she wanted to join them in the Fireside Talk- Mom asked what they were going to talk about.  It put a smile on my face to see her “still in charge” of her decision – did she want to join or not?   She finally said yes.  As she was getting out of her chair- I took a few steps over to her and said “hello, mom!”  would you like to go out with me, or would you like to go the “talk”? 

Her eyes lit up when she saw me and a smile along with open arms embraced me- with the answer “well of course, I’m going to go with you!”.   

We gathered up her laundry and bundled her up and out the door we went.  Freedom!  I’m sure that’s what she feels every time she gets out. 

 We did the same routine as every Friday- and headed out to find the best Cheeseburger in Woodstock.  This was her wish for lunch – because she hasn’t had a cheeseburger in months.  ( lol) We found a new place to try and we had a good lunch.  She was calm and relaxed- she didn’t sing her song- not once.  Afterwards -we stopped at Sherman Williams paint store to pick out some paint samples.   I will tell you- she could have stayed there for hours looking at all the different colors.   If you haven’t been in a while, you should go- the colors are fantastic. (-:   She was like a little kid- pulling the samples out and looking at them- then trying to find the correct location to put them back. She was calm and focused.

  If you have the patience- and the time- take your demented love one out- if they are able- to a store, Walmart, Pottery Barn, Home Depot- anywhere they have colors and different unique things to look at.  You can kill an hour or two and it makes them feel normal. 

It’s a memory you will be making for yourself- after they are gone.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen