I visited Dorothy several times last week while still doing the social distancing sitting on the front porch.   One day when I was there it was a beautiful day- from the spot that we sit and visit- you can look straight out and up into the sky – and you can see for miles- this day there were perfect Cumulus Clouds- with a gorgeous blue-sky background to make them really pop.  What a view!

Cloud watching is one of my things to do- and mom has always enjoyed looking at them too. It’s fun to see what shapes, sizes and animals you can visualize out of them- not to mention the total relaxation and calm that it brings to your soul to” just be”.

 Out of nowhere she blurted out that they all looked like candy canes.  I did not see any other colors other than blue and white and none that looked like candy canes.  She pointed out the clouds that she said looked like candy canes and I just didn’t see it- but I didn’t say that- I just said “oh, now I see it”.  She was happy that I was able to see what she saw, after a while she started in on all her woes – when I can go home, they don’t anything for me here, I don’t need to be here, etc.  Paul had no right to do this to me.  How long have I been here? What is wrong with me?   I pointed out a cloud and diverted her attention away from her song. This back and forth went on for quite some time.  (-:

After a while and they called her in for lunch.   I went on my merry way and she called 6 times throughout the rest of the day and 4 times when sundowners hit. She had to sing her song.

Just listen- is all I can do. 

Again, old folks deserve to have someone to help them along when they can’t be or do what they used to do.  They are still the same light and soul- just at a slower, weaker pace.  Keep on sharing with them and make more memories with them- cause we all know -when our time is up on this earth it’s up- you don’t get one more second.

Love & Light,

 Cheryl Doreen

Saturday was a beautiful day and I was able to spend some time with mom sitting out front of her “place”.   The breeze through the breezeway was refreshing and the sky was showing off some of her clouds. It was a good, calm, peaceful visit. 

Dorothy talked again about wanting to go back to Germantown, because that is where she wants to die. It occurred to me that when my dad was sick back in 1981 and dying of cancer- he wanted to move back home.  So, they did, and he died a few months later.  My mom’s mom Beulah also wanted to go back home when she was nearing the end of her time here on earth. We arranged for her to go back home to Kentucky, and she died within the year.   

 I wonder if we need to think about taking mom back to Germantown so she will know she is at home and maybe she will pass on too?   I know that won’t happen, but I wonder if it could be that easy. 

A few hours after I had left mom- my phone starts ringing.  She wants to know when I’m going to come and see her?  When am I going to come and get her and take her for a ride?  When am I going to come and take her home?    Telling me that she does not need to be in “this place” she can do everything for herself and “they” don’t do anything for her.   Every 15 minutes or so the phone rings…… every fifteen minutes or so I answer the phone.  I must admit that I get really agitated at times with her calling nonstop- but, I know she does not know that she is doing it and in the moment she needs a reassuring voice on the other end telling her what she wants to hear.  Sometimes it brings me to tears- not for me – but for her, I hate that she is experiencing this illness.  

Then out of the blue, she stops calling- which I am thankful, someone or something has captured her attention.  It’s close to the full moon- so It’s going to be a long week. (:

It’s 6:30 p.m. and Dorothy calls- she’s going through the toughest part of her day.  I answer, listen to her song a while 

And I tell her to go outside and sit in the rocking chair, enjoy the breeze and watch the sky.  She says, ok Cheryl, I do that.   

Love you mom,

Love & Light,

 Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy calls in the middle of the day- upset because she thinks someone has stolen her cell phone.  She can’t find it.   The fact of the matter is – she hasn’t had her cell phone since November 2019- but it doesn’t matter, she doesn’t remember, and she’s totally upset.   I calm her down by telling her I have her phone and I’m getting it fixed.   Suddenly- she remembers that I have it because she dropped and broke it. “why did I forget that Cheryl”?   We talked for a few minutes and she seemed to calm down and talk about the “place” she was in and how nice and clean it was. And she mentioned that the food was good too.  

Mom must have made a big ruckus about it, because the head nurse called me to tell me that Dorothy was totally upset.   I told her that I had just spoken to mom and told her that I had taken her phone to get it repaired. I ask the nurse to have someone find mom and that it might be good if someone there told her that I had it- it might settle her down and let this crisis pass.  Hopefully, the crisis had passed when mom hung up from talking to me- but who knows.  The nurse assured me she would do that and communicate with all the nurses and caregivers to tell her the same thing – if she asks about her phone again.   I never heard about the phone the rest of the day-or even during the sundowners’ call.

The sundowners call consisted of Dorothy telling me she finally figured out where she was- she was in Germantown- she was wondering why she hadn’t figured that out sooner.  One minute later she was telling me that she wanted to move back to Germantown – because that is where she wants to die.  

Dementia sucks!  I tip my hat to those who care for them every day and for the family members who have the gift to care for them and let them stay with family.

 I hope mom has a better day tomorrow.   Take me home Country Roads (John Denver)   

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

The Covid 19/ Coronavirus is still going strong for the most part- some folks in the world are throwing caution to the wind and have headed out to crowed beaches, parks and shopping malls.  They are tired of being cooped up. Dorothy is limited to her “place” and I’m not sure she knows the difference- except at Sundowners time.  I am content to set on the back porch, take in the fresh air and sunshine and let the rest of the world deal with the pandemic.   I do get out to the grocery store, Lowes, and the post office- but mostly I’ve been in and stayed safe & sound.

I have been going to moms and dropping off flowers and candy and anything else I think she might be running out of every other Friday.   For two months now we have been unable to go in and “they” are unable to come out.    This week when I went, mom and some other ladies were sitting outside.  I called in – to let them know I was there and that I had some goodies for mom.  I just needed to know what the new procedure was.  They informed me that I could sit 10 feet away and visit, just be sure to not cross the green line.   They also informed me that they would get the package and make sure it got to her room.   I was happy and surprised of this new development.  I asked how long this new change had been going on- and why I hadn’t heard about it.  They said   “Oh, it’s only been going on a day or two”.   Not sure if this if fake news or not- and since there really was no point of inquiring further- I dropped the questions.

I parked the car, hopped out, grabbed a fold up chair out of the back, (doesn’t every grandparent have a fold up chair in the back of their car (-; ) and I found a nice spot right across from mom to start our visit.  At first, she was confused that I was not coming up to her and giving her a hug and was even more concerned when I told her I could not come past the green line and she could not venture out of her chair towards me.  Once we had the ground rules – we were off visiting.  

She started right in with her song- which all of you regular readers appreciate by now.   And I let her “vent” for a little bit.  Then I asked her if she remembered her first movie, she ever saw at the BI-JO the movie theatre in Germantown, by the way it is still showing movies to this day.        You could see her wheels spinning- trying to get back to that point in time.  But she never got there with a name of the movie- just the memory of going.  I asked her if she liked the cartoons and the news of the war that they would give before the movie (we are talking post WW II and the beginning of the Korean Wars).  She said that she did remember that and that the news was very depressing.  I asked her questions about her teenage years for a little while and it really turned out to be a nice visit.  I stayed about an hour and I was happy to have been able to spend some time with her- even knowing she wouldn’t remember 30 seconds after I left.

She called again as usually that evening and I did not say anything about being there a few hours earlier.   The next day my brother and I went and we both had the same pleasant visit with her as I did the day before.  Sundowners comes every night and you know what happened next.  

The next day Paul and I went back over to visit with her- and she was not in a good mood or even happy to see us.   She was “Negative Nellie” and her eyes were angry. She complained and scolded us for putting her in “this place” and demanded that we take her back to her house right this minute. (This phase took me back to my childhood lol)  Paul stepped up and talked her off the ledge, by telling her she told us to never lie to her and to tell her exactly what was going on and why.  She nodded in agreement that she did indeed tell us that and then he proceeded to tell here the story of how and why she got to be in “this place”.  When he finished- she asked him if he had found the boys that had poured the poison down her throat. Paul told her “that never happened mom”.  And she reassured him that it did, and she understands how he might not be willing to believe that it happened.   

It wasn’t too much longer that we finished up the visit and headed out.   I went back today and took her some short sleeve tops/ some capri shorts/ and some summer cardigan sweaters-to knock the chill of the air conditioner off of her when she goes back inside ( she spends a lot of time on the front breezeway) and her summer easy slip on sneakers.   I asked that someone help her with filling up the tub with her winter sweaters and winter pants.  She just happened to have on the heaviest winter sweater on today -when I saw her wearing it in 85 degrees -that I was sweating looking at her.  I will say that where she sits on the front porch there is a nice breeze that runs through the breeze way.  We had a good visit and there was no sign of anger- I kept her busy with memory questions.

  I have to be honest-these past few months have been a nice break from taking her out every Friday- I still talked to her every night-but the break of the song live and in person was much enjoyed.    It will be interesting how I choose to move forward with mom- do I continue going to see her several times a week for a short visit- and when this pandemic breaks do, I go back to my Friday follies?  Time will tell.

I still believe that “sometimes in our lives we all have pain – we all have sorrow” Lean On Me (Bill Withers Lean on Me)

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

I took mom a homemade card, yes- i made it myself out of construction paper and crayons (-: It was perfect!

I also stopped by and bought her a potted plant- mini size- and a bag of York Peppermint Patties. I put it in a brown paper bag from the grocery store and wrote her name on it. I dropped the package off at the front door of the “home” and I rang the bell- to be sure they knew they had a delivery.

It is only about a 10 minute drive from my house to her home- and while i was walking up the stairs at my house -mom called me. Her voice was so happy as she thanked me for her lovely card and flower. She didn’t understand why I just didn’t come in to see her. So, we had the conversation abou thte pandemic again. I explained to her that as asoon as this was over-I’d come and get her out for the day.

She thanked me again and said good bye.

My heart is full.

Love & Light,

Cheryl Doreen

Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

   This is the first Mother’s Day in a long, long time I have not shared it with my mom, Dorothy.

There were times- decades ago that we lived in different states and we were unable to be together- due to the long miles that separated us.  But, for the last 35 + years we have always been together – even if just for a few hours to celebrate each other and Mother’s Day.

Usually we celebrated with flowers, cards, going for a walk or a hike or going out to eat- or just sitting around visiting. This year I get a touch of what it will be like when she’s gone, and we won’t be celebrating together anymore. It’s interesting the emotions that I am feeling.  Sad, lonely, empty- I am wishing I could hug her- look in her eyes and tell her that I love her.  

Thanks mom, thanks for being the mom that you needed to be for me my entire life.  You always knew what to say, what not to say, when to get involved in my life and when to sit back ready to catch me when I fell.  Thanks for taking such good care of me when I was a little girl, with a fever, or a cut or hurt feelings.  Thanks for the advice -that at the time you were giving it I didn’t quite understand it- but later on I would know exactly what you were talking about.  Thanks for helping me become the woman and mom I am today.

Thank you for being a beautiful, strong, supportive mom.  I don’t know what I’ll do without you – but actually I do.  I’ll ask myself what would mom- (Dorothy) do? What words of wisdom or wise advice would she give me in this circumstance? I know that I will be able to handle everything that comes my way- because of the love, guidance and pure faith that you have given me my entire life.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom

Love, Cheryl Doreen

Mom called at the normal time and her song is a little different today.  I answered the phone -upbeat as always-and said Hello mom! She said “Cheryl, I need your help”.  I said ok mom- Where are you?   She took a deep breath and told me she was at the place- where she was with Paul and I for a while– and then we left her.  She was upset that we didn’t tell her we were leaving- she didn’t expect to be left alone. She wants to know why we did this to her —for no reason- we had no right to take her to a place like this stay for a few weeks and then just leave.   

She asks if doctors have been in to see her and what the diagnosis is.   Am I on any medication? – she asks.   I answer yes- and tell her the name of her doctor and what medication she is on.  She says that she is not getting any medication and that there is never anyone around and there is nothing to do.  She informs me that the men get in their cars and go off and play cards and come back for meals-she says ” I don’t know what the ladies do here, I never seen any”.

I let her talk; I don’t say much—I just let her talk it out.    She goes from this mental state to the state of – “I think I need to move back to Ohio; I know people there and – (tearfully, she says-) I want to be buried next to dad”.  “Dad” is my dad- she always calls him that- rarely by his name Dick or my husband- she just calls him dad when she’s talking aobut him- and I have always known who she is talking about. 

From here she goes on to tell me that –she wants to go to her friend Jan’s place- there is so much to do there- there is nothing to do here –  you never see anyone out of their rooms and there is no one in charge. 

Then she moves on to “I’m not as nervous as I used to be -as when I first got here- how long have I been here?   I feel ok –I know my way around more, I can get to the dining room and I know where my room is, I know how to go outside and walk.  I’m just fine here.  I’ve adjusted very well, I think – don’t you? “

Dorothy finishes with “I can still take care of myself – but it’s weird- you don’t know what to do when you get old- there are too many people bossing you. When your brain slows down it seems that it’s just hard to process it all.   Don’t get old Cheryl.  Thanks for talking to me, I love you, bye”. 

And she has survived another sundowner’s episode.   It sucks! 

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy is calling at random times these days and still calling in the evening when sundowners hits.   Yesterday, she called @ 2:30 in the afternoon.  Mom was dazed and confused- more than normal. She told me she was scared because she didn’t know where she was or how she got there.  She started crying – telling me it wasn’t right what we- (Paul and I) had done to her- taken her out of her home and put her in a place she did not approve of.   I hadn’t heard her cry like this in some time-it was a deep down from the soul cry.   The sad part is there is absolutely nothing I can do for her or her state of mind.  Except answer the phone and listen. We are on lockdown- there is a pandemic going on I can’t go see her, I can’t hold her, I can’t drive her around and let her look at the world.  It wouldn’t matter— even when there wasn’t a pandemic- I still could not help her anymore- other than just being there.  She has Dementia- there is no understanding it.

As you know from reading this journal- she picked out where she lives on her own, with Paul.  She likes it because it is small, and they have plenty of activities. It is a nice, clean place that has a calm place to walk- a covered front porch to sit on with rocking chairs and bird feeders – there are plenty of flowers and trees to make it feel somewhat “like home”- so she said.

I let her cry for a while, because we all know “it’s okay to cry” and all I can do is listen and agree. I agree with her that if we (Paul and I) don’t come and get her out of “this” place immediately- it will be okay for her to get an attorney.  Agree with her when she says she is going to to file elder abuse on us.   I agree with her on everything she says, Why? Because it doesn’t matter- she won’t remember within 15 seconds what she has said.  And I know that she is confused and scared and I know that it is easier to just agree with her- get her settled down, let her feel that she is in control- that Dorothy is in charge.  Try to let her know that in the moment she is still in charge of her life.

She called later at 7:00 – she is her “normal” evening self- she is not crying, she is just confused.    She thinks she saw me today.  I assure her that she did not see me today.  She informed me that she did see me today and that I’m trying to confuse her- she was sure of it- quite adamant about it.   She knows for a fact that I came and got her-  and that she and I went looking at another assisted living place for her to live.    So, I stay quiet – I don’t agree or disagree.   In 20 seconds, she is talking about something totally different- how are the boys?  How is Jessica?  I bet the boys are getting so big. This is something I can respond to- so, I answer these questions – a few times as many as times as she asks.

Then as quick as the frustration went- it comes back “Cheryl, you just have to come and get me and take me to see some other places where they have things to do and the people are nicer.  I don’t need to be at this place that Paul picked out for me- he doesn’t know the first thing about a assisted living place.”  “How would he know what I like, what I want.” She goes on and on and I listen and agree– when I feel I need to.

We end the phone call with me telling her “If we have to find you a different place mom – where you will be happy- then, that’s what we’ll do”

Ok, great- thank you Cheryl – Bye!

And just like that it’s over for the evening.

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

Mom called and she’s down on Paul tonight. This was her conversation to me.  I did not ask but a few questions-

 She asked first thing why Paul is doing this to me?  

Any little thing I do – he jumps on me like I’m 10- you know like, don’t touch that- don’t do that.   It’s been going on a couple months now and I don’t like it.  He is being so cruel to me. Saying cruel things and he’s hurting my feelings.    He is bossing me around and I can’t take it anymore.   I need you to ask him why he is picking on me.  I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to hurt him or make him feel bad   it seems that every time I’m around him it gets worse.  

Just yesterday he mouthed off about me doing stupid stuff- you know stuff like that…..I don’t think I was doing anything wrong.  It doesn’t come across very good to me…  I don’t know …

I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to him other than help him.  I did whatever I could do for him.

I always helped him when he asked me….. I can’t remember……. I just saw him yesterday and he said something really hateful to me.  I can’t remember what it was- my memory is just getting worse and worse.  I’m probably better off not being around him.  I guess that’s how I’ll have to handle it.  If you can find out if I said something that made him mad and hurt his feelings- I can’t figure out what I did to him to have him treat me like this.  Have you noticed it?   Or haven’t you paid any attention.  Anyway- I’m not going to do anything about it- I’m just going to stay away from him.  You know…..why should I be down here paying rent when I have a house I’ve paid for and  I don’t need to be here.  He’s just mean to me.  He’s just being totally …..“ I can do anything to you I want to and there is nothing you can do about it.  It really annoys me that I have to pay rent that I have to live in here when I have a house I paid for that is sitting empty.     I don’t want to make a big hassle. I might just go back to Germantown -so I won’t be a bother to anyone.   I’m sorry- I shouldn’t of said anything to you about it- you and he are big buddies.  You don’t have to do anything about it.  I’m sure he will deny all of it.  But, maybe not- I don’t know.  I just, I can’t, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.  I don’t want to be around him anymore. I’m thinking I might go back to Ohio and not be in your way.   So, I don’t know ….. I’m still thinking …..but I’m thinking pretty strongly about that- I want to be buried up there. I don’t want to be cremated anymore I want to be buried next to dad.  I’m sorry to bother you.   I’m just, I’m just not fine…..theres something wrong with me and I don’t know what it is.  I have no idea I think that maybe I try to help people too much and people don’t appreciate it when you help them.   I don’t know ….maybe I’m just getting old and crazy.  Whatever- …. I’ll get through it some way.  I always have and I always will.  I’m sorry to have bothered you- (crys) ok have a good night sleep. 

I love you mom,

Cries- I love you too.

Hangs up the phone.

Dementia is weird-she hasn’t seen any of us since March 12,2020.   And Paul was her baby- so, he was the favorite.  (-0:    It makes you wonder when and why their brain gets stuck.  ??????

I just listen, and agree and ask if there is anything, I can do to help her.   That’s all I can do.

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

The full moon aggravates those with sundowners and the demented disease and it was a tough one for mom this month. Dorothy started calling me around noon on the 4^th – several times a day and on into the evening.   She was totally confused and sang her song about the Easter eggs that fell out of her basket, the boys who tried to poison her and the fact that no one has been to see her since she’s been in there. She stopped calling during the day and evening on the 9^th.  That’s a long time to be extra anxious.

If I was a stranger, I would believe every word she says.  To her all her stories really happened – just like she is telling it.   But I know better- because I’ve been on this journey with her since the beginning.  I would say that the Corona 19 virus shut down doesn’t have any effect on her one way or the other.   I believe this because they are still letting them go out the front door for walks and allowing them to sit in the sunshine.   Dorothy is a walker, always has been- so, I know that she is getting her fresh air, vitamin D, listening to the birds and enjoying the warmth of the sun- all while taking in all the colors of spring.    

I’ve always been there for her and I know that she doesn’t remember if from moment to moment.  So, during these last few weeks of shutdown- I don’t have to feel bad when she calls and sings her song- that no one ever comes to see her.  She is right- no one is coming to see her until this crisis is over.   And maybe beyond.  

I’m not sure how I am going to reenter human contact with her.  No one at her facility has contacted the virus and everyone is safe.  But when this shutdown is lifted, and the gates are reopened- the influx of people will be everywhere along with this virus. I believe that the second wave will come, and it could be worse than first.    This is a decision that I am sitting on for now and it will be interesting on which way I decide.

As for now- I will continue to take her a card and flowers every other Friday.   And I know that in the moment she receives these she will smile and say out loud- what a good girl I am.  One minute later she will say “who sent me flowers”?   Where did this card come from?  And it’s ok- it’s just dementia.

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen