Thanksgiving with Dorothy 2019

Hello! It was a quiet and relaxing Thanksgiving for Dorothy this year. It was Paul, mom and me. It was a good day- no, a great day. As we were living it- I wondered if this would be the last Thanksgiving mom would remember or even be with us. She seemed to better this year- just three of us – than she did last year with 12 of us.  We had a nice quiet lunch with all the fixings- I cleaned up the mess- Mom sat on the couch with Paul and watched Andy Griffin- nothing like Opie and Barney.  I went out on the deck and started a fire and we all bundled up and went outside and enjoyed the afternoon sun and breeze.  I made mom some hot chocolate and she was in hog heaven.  She loves it outside and there is nothing better than hot chocolate with cool whip. (0:  She was a happy woman.  She tried to sing her song, but we steered here on to something else pretty quickly.    I soaked it up and it is burned in my memory banks for future Thanksgivings. 

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 I just want to point out that if your loved one is “cooped” up most of the time in a home- and not around a bunch of people – and you go get them and bring them to the “family affair” – remember that the activity, noise and commotion is probably overwhelming for them.  Most of us live the activity, noise and commotion every day and have learned to tune it out. We also are living life in the fast lane- the “old folks” are protected in a bubble of a calm, “nothing to do”, relaxed atmosphere.  So, when we pull them into the “family” unit it could be overwhelming for them.  They will be confused, agitated, exhausted and they may be looking for an exit.  

They might even just ask to go take a nap- just to get out of the zoo like atmosphere. It might be a good idea to find them a quiet room or corner- but still in the “action” somewhat- so one by one they can have “visitors”- babies crying and toddlers running around are a little much. But one on one they can adjust. 

 They might be just fine if they have a “job” they are responsible for.  Like washing the dishes- help set the table- fold the napkins- give them a job you would give a 9 or 10-year-old.  Everyone – especially women need to feel like they are still contributing to the festivities.  After all- at one time the juggled it all by themselves- for years.   

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

As we drove in silence for a while, I reflected on what their lives must be like- I’m sure they are not sad all the time- I hope not anyway.    Not once during the entire drive did mom utter a lyric to her song.  It was actually very nice- I used to drive her up to see the leaves every year – she never had a song back then- and I’m not sure if it had been just us two – if I’d of enjoyed the ride- she would have been singing the entire time. 

We made it to Folks and were seated at a table without a problem.   Chuck knew exactly what he wanted for lunch- Dorothy- she kept looking for the hamburgers on the menu- every time I showed her where they were after a few minutes – she would forget, and we had to do the same thing several times.  When the waiter came- mom remembered what she wanted- as did Chuck (for the record, I did too).

Eating with little kids and older folks takes just about the same amount of time.  You just have to sit back and relax, don’t rush, don’t scold, just relax- it’s only food.  (-:

I was happy to pay the bill and when the waiter brought back the change- he looked at Chuck and said Thank You.    Chuck looked at him then at me and said- “why do they do that?  Just assume the man paid”.   LOLOL     It’s was pretty funny and I’m sure the waiter heard.

Our total outing was 3 hours and 15 minutes- long enough for everyone.   Chuck was happy- Dorothy was happy-and I was happy.    They were proud to walk back into the “place” together and look happy that they had just escaped the dungeon for a little while.

I’m pretty sure I will take Chuck again- or another one-off moms’ friends.  She doesn’t sing- and it was very pleasant- It’s like old times with her – when she doesn’t sing.

Love & Light,

Cheryl Doreen

Dorothy and Chuck’s outing continued……….

  We make it safe to the car with no drama- and settled inside.  Mom and Chuck both comment on the “pretty red trees”- you know the ones in most of the larger parking lots- they are usually the prettiest when it’s Fall.

In that moment I thought it would be a great idea to take them for a drive.  They were up for it- and as Chuck settled in the back seat and mom still pouting in the front seat, we took headed north.    Before we got on the main road leading to the mountains- I asked if anyone wanted to stop and get something to drink.   Chuck spoke up and said that a cup of coffee would be great (-:   Mom said firmly no.  Oh my!

So- we stopped at McDonalds and got Chuck a cup of coffee-  since he was in the back seat and “tangled” up with his coat on and his oxygen wire- I asked the lady to take the coffee back- pour some out and put a little ice in it.   I did not want to have second degree burns on Chucks lap.  (0:   He thanked me for doing this- as he was able to drink the coffee right away and not wait 10 minutes to take a drink.   

We headed up North on 575- if you’ve never been- it’s pretty close to 75 North headed out of Chattanooga- the wide-open spaces for all the trees to grow and the non-concrete structures for the sky to shine through is a beautiful site.  

I ask a few general questions which Chuck answers – but mom does not- and then it falls silent for a time.  I turn my focus on mom and ask her about her grandmother- what her name was, what she liked about her, etc.   She softened and opened up and chatted for a while.    When I looked back at Chuck, he was taking a nap.  (0:    I continued on with a one on one with mom.  It was actually quite pleasant.  She did not sing her song once.   She does not sing her song to anyone but me and of course Paul.     When mom started to get sleepy I decided it was time to turn around.    I guess car rides will put little kids and old folks to sleep. (-:

So, I asked now the restaurant “Folks” sounded for lunch- they both spoke up and came back to life.   We headed back to civilization.

To be continued……….

Love & Light,

Cheryl Doreen

Last Friday I took both mom and her friend Chuck out for a few hours- he asked me to help him get this glasses fixed.   Chuck is in poor health- but he still has most of his memory.   He helps mom out and she helps him – it’s a perfect friendship.  

When I walked in to get mom- I knocked on Chuck’s door on the way by to give him a 10-minute warning.  He was ready and excited.    Mom and I did her regular routine- gathering dirty clothes and changing the bed. When we walked to Chucks room- mom started pouting- she did not want to share her day with me.

I’m telling you it is truly like having little kids.   Dorothy pouting- Chuck excited that he gets to “get out” of the “place”. 

Chuck has a walker and an oxygen tank that we have to figure out how to maneuver- it’s on wheels and has to be pushed alongside of him.  Dorothy steps up and takes care of the oxygen tank (I’m assuming all her years of care giving are still in tack (-; ) .    We get in and out of the car with no issues and get Chuck to the optical store.  He settles in and mom and I take off and do some shopping.  

We are not even 25 feet from Chuck when she looks at me and says, “I don’t like it that Chuck is here- be careful Cheryl, he will take advantage of you”.   I reassure her that no one will take advantage of me unless I let them.  (-:      We continue on getting our goodies and check out.  Chuck is not yet finished in – so I tell mom let’s go in and sit with Chuck and wait for him to get finished- She looks at me like I’m crazy –( you know the look if you had /have kids and you ask them to sit beside each other) and matter of factly states that she is NOT going to sit with Chuck.  She chooses to sit on a bench just outside the doorway.   

I just let her- I can see her (you never know when she will wonder off) – and I hang with Chuck to make sure he does not need any assistance finishing up his mission.    The lady helping him is bright and cheery and its good to see a genuine smile on Chuck. 

I help him maneuver out of the chair and back to his walker – I call mom over to see if she wants to help with the oxygen.  She surprisingly says yes!

We head out of the store me leading the way- I turn at one point to see if they are ok- and the saddest faces are on both of them.   

It breaks my heart.

To be continued………

Love & Light,

Cheryl Doreen

I want to share some bullet points about “How to Be a Friend to Someone Living with Dementia” taken from The Wall Street Journal this week.

• Educate yourself.  There are many stages and kinds of dementia, including Alzheimer’s, which manifest themselves differently in different people.   (kind of like a cold- no two are alike)
• Be there.  Call and invite your friend (or loved one) to do activities you both enjoy, whether it’s fishing, shopping or going out to lunch.   (take them anywhere and everywhere)
• Ask what they are comfortable doing and what they need help with.  They may need a ride or help moving the lawn, shopping or cooking a meal.  (or paying their bills, getting their affairs in order)
• Talk directly to them, not to their spouse or partner.  Make eye contact.  Let them know it’s wonderful to see them.  (They are still in there)
• Be patient, if someone asks a question repeatedly, don’t’ point that out.  Just answer. Give them plenty of time and space for responses.   They may be working hard to think about what they want to say.   (sometimes they get confused- you may think they are telling a lie- but, what they are saying might have happened to them, just at a different time)
• Don’t correct or argue if they say something that isn’t accurate.  That can add to feelings of embarrassment and frustration.  (they may shut down all together- stop talking, stop wanting to do anything)
• Offer reminders.  If your friend looks confused, give your name and connection.  “Our kids played baseball together”.  (Remind them how you know them- not how they know you)
• Don’t ask a series of questions, which can be confusing.  Avoid questions like “what did you do today?” which requires short them memory and can be frustrating for someone with dementia.  Better to ask questions that someone in any stage can answer and that show you care, like “how do you feel today?”   (ask them a question about their past- they usually can bring up a story)
• If going out, avoid loud, crowded places.  They can be overwhelming.  (when dinning, ask them what they would like and see if it’s ok for you to order for both of you, try to order the same thing for both of you)
• Touch is important.  Hug.  Offer a gentle touch on the arm or hand or shoulder.  People with dementia sometimes feel others are afraid of them.  (Hug them, hold their hand while you are walking or sitting- then recall a memory the two of you had together- they will take it from there)

The best thing to do is just be there for them.  Everyone needs someone to lean on (Lean On Me- Bill Withers).

Love & Light!

Cheryl Doreen

Today is Halloween and the Assisted Living is having a costume party.  So, last night I took Dorothy a pair of Minnie Mouse Ears on a headband that hopefully she will wear with childlike happiness.  I hope she remembers to wear them- I left a note- but- mom might have thrown the note away.  (-:

I will get off of work early today and I’m thinking of going by to see her and her friends to see how many of them dressed up.  (I’m a Gypsy today- I work at an amazing place where they let us have fun!)

When I was there last night mom wanted to know when she could go home or at least go to an assisted living facility.  She doesn’t need to be where she is- she is just fine.  (-:    After about 5 minutes of this I told her I had to head home- out of the blue says “Cheryl, I can’t find my phone -do you know where it is?”   I told her that I had come and gotten it last week because it was broken.  She said she needed a new one- not a new fancy one- a new one just like the one she had.

So, now- I’m torn- Do I return the phone?  Do I keep telling her the same thing?   To be honest this is heavy on my heart.   I’m not sure what it the right thing to do.

The hardest part is to just “Let It Be.  (The Beatles) Also, if you haven’t seen Yesterday- the movie out this year- go see it- it’s pretty good.  (-:

Love & Light!

Cheryl Doreen

There is nothing wrong with Dorothy’s phone.   She has not asked me about her phone since I picked it up.  Maybe it was time for her to “let it go”- or maybe she doesn’t even remember she had one.   It doesn’t matter- 

She still calls me every evening- but, it’s not at 6:15- it’s closer to 7:30.   And she doesn’t sing her entire song- only a few verses then she hangs up -and she only calls once.   She always says, “Thank you for helping me- Cheryl”.  She almost never says goodbye.   

I’m happy and sad about this stage in the game.  Selfishly I’m happy that she will not be calling me several times a night- or at random times -singing her sad song.   (Elton John- Sad Songs Say So Much- excellent song) But at the same time I’m sad that she won’t be calling me several times a night- or at random times – singing her sad song.   

She told us this would happen.   Everything she told us that would happen to her in this journey of Dementia has happened.   I hate that she is going through this-  But, I’m pretty sure that she is just a normal a teenager all day long- playing, laughing, telling stories and taking bus trips with her friends-  complaining about her children who “just left her there and haven’t been back” and at night she gets homesick for a few hours and doesn’t know what to do.   

 She goes to sleep and wakes up to a new day every day- she repeats the process and “life is good!”

Love and Light!

Cheryl

Dorothy called me last Monday to tell me her phone was messed up.   She was talking to me on it and she didn’t realize it.   We had a good laugh.  LOLOLOL      sigh!      She called several hours later from the “house phone” in the lobby at the Assisted Living.    She said she was having problems with her phone. I told her I would be there as soon as possible to see what the issue was.    She called the next two nights from the “house phone” singing the same song. But, she only called me once- not multiple times.    I wondered why-her phone seemed to ok a few days earlier.

A few days later on a Thursday afternoon I stopped by to check out her phone issue.   When I pulled up – she was on the “activity” bus and waiting to go to the Pumpkin Patch.  She got off the bus and met me and I actually felt like she was “questioneing” me as to what I was doing there. When I explained to her why – she happily gave me her phone.  She then hurried back on the bus. 

 While I know that she is engaged all day with her friends and fun activities- it’s so much fun to see her actually doing it.  (0:

As I stood there watching this all unfold I thought how funny it is- I can remember when I was a kid- old enough to hang with my friends and go on the bus for a field trip- my mom took me and dropped me off- I wanted her to leave as soon as possible so I could hang with my friends.

Funny how life is – if you live long enough- it comes arond full circle.  

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

Good Morning!

  Eat, Sleep, Repeat.    Dorothy wakes up to a new day- and “new place” every day.   She can’t remember.  But she is engaged and active, she has friends and she’s loved by everyone around her.

It’s interesting- that when I go see her to visit- or take her out- she’s usually engaged with the people around her- I sit or stand where she can’t see me and I observe her-   she laughs, tells stories, complains, listens.  She plays bingo, reads, colors, does exercise class, current events class, etc.   

But- the minute she sees me, or Paul and we take her out- she starts complaining that there is nothing to do- no one talks to her- and she’s bored- she wants to go home.

There is no since telling her that we just witnessed that she has been doing “stuff”.  She doesn’t remember.  So, I let it go and I listen- sometimes I agree – just to let her know she has someone on her side.   

I have a friend who took care of her mother for years- in a demented state and then bedridden.  She is a very strong, loving, caring person.   I am in awe of her.    I find myself struggling more and more every day with mom and her sickness- how did my friend do this for years 24/7 ?

It’s not my sickness- it’s hers, and I’m here to support her in any way that I can.  But, to be honest- I’m tired!  I’m tired of hearing her song over and over and over again.  I’m tired of her not understanding, not remembering, constantly complaining- but mostly – for not being my mom- as I knew my mom.   

It’s like a slow agonizing death- the worst kind.   My dad died when I was 24- he was 49.   He was diagnosed with cancer in January and died that same year in September.   The worst part for me – was the last 45 days- he was delusional- he was out of it- and then he was gone- there is nothing I could do about it.    I still miss and think of him every day- but just like that- he was gone- no lingering, no pain, no “new day” everyday- he was just gone. Every day I remember what he taught me- I cry at what he didn’t get to teach me- I wonder what else he could have taught me, my children and my siblings.  

Mom is here at the end her life going through a long-drawn-out sickness and there is nothing I can do about it.  It sucks.   She carried the torch after dad died and I wonder what else she has to teach us.   I hate that she is suffering- or is she?   Maybe she is just fine in her world. 

After thinking about this – I’ve come to the conclusion that death is something we all get to experience- in our own way- and there is nothing anyone can do about it.  All I can hope for is that I have a” someone”- to be my person – to listen to me till the very end- no matter what.

So, when I get weary, weak, sad and lonely- I reflect on all the love, laughter, hugs and lessons I have been taught by those I have loved and lost, I realize how lucky I am to be alive and to have been touched guided by their words and gifts.

Be somebody’s person.

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

It’s been a tough last three days with mom. I was gone for a week and I didn’t take her calls- I was off the grid. I must say it was nice not to have to listen to her sing. I know – itIt a terrible thing to say- but it’s the truth.

I picked her up on Friday for our Friday outing and we spent 5 1/2 hours together. We had a wonderful visit. We did the usual- junkie stores, lunch, went for a drive, more junky stores, we even hit TJ Maxx. She was very “on”- only a few times did she start singing her song – and when she did I told her that we were out having a good time and to focus on that. So she did.

Saturday- Paul got her and took her out for a drive and lunch- like he normally does. She was ready to go back to her place as soon as she ate- I’m assuming I wore her out and two days in a row is getting to be too much. But I was wrong- she called me today Sunday and asked if anyone was going to come and visit her- because no-one had been there is she didn’t know how long. I took a deep breath and told her that I would be over to get her in 10 minutes. I brought her back to my house – which used to be her house and put her to work sweeping the back deck. She either had a cane or a broom in her hand the entire time she was with me- 3 1/2 hours. Paul came over and he helped me do some stuff that required two people to do- and mom told us the best way to do it.

At one point she wanted to go for a walk- so we walked out the back deck arm in arm and down the hill ( where she fell about 15 years ago and broke her ankle) and around the complex. Paul came and she walked back in the house again and up the stairs with his assistance. When she went back to the back porch she said- ” I think I’ll go for a walk”. I informed her that we just came back from a walk and she looked at me like I had two heads and told me she did not.

Dementia sucks!

After a bit of a testy conversation she won and we went for another walk- just breathe.

She will be worn out tomorrow from all the physical activity and she should sleep like a princess tonight.

I get her because I can- I know that one day she will only be in spirit and I need to spend as much time as I can (take) with her. I admit- somedays are better than others.

Love & Light,

Cheryl Doreen