Dorothy has done something to her phone- either lost it or “fixed it”.  She hasn’t called me for two days.  I’ve called and asked twice for someone to check on it and see what she might have done with it or to it.  There is NO telling.  (-:

 I call once a day and ask how she is doing and they always say she is doing good- Dawn, the “good nurse” told me today that she is getting weepy-        )-:     I asked how the new medication was working and she said it was helping.  She did say that Dorothy is very sad at times – I know that  it’s all part of the progression of the disease and it sucks!   Cancer sucks! Dementia Sucks!  Sickness Sucks!   I think it sucks so bad because there is nothing- absolutely nothing we can do to fix it.  

I can’t imagine waking up every day and not knowing where you are. What has happened to you and when someone is going to come and get you and take you home.  I can’t imagine longing for your long-lost loved ones like you just saw them a few days ago.  I can’t imagine those times when you realize what is happening to you and you are scared, upset, confused and wonder WHY this had to happen to you.   It has got to be worse in these times – 10 months ago we were able to come and go at random (8-5, 7 days a week) to go and visit our loved ones.  Take them out for a few hours- take them overnight, or just go into their room and do some deep cleaning/ or purging of the random things a demented person collects.  Or just sit and visit with them and their friends.  We now – for the last 9 months have found ourselves at the mercy of the Assisted Living/ Nursing Homes – we have to have the faith that the worker bees are doing the correct, humane, nice, caring job that we are paying them for.   Faith- it is blind – that’s for sure-but, don’t lose it- even when it’s the darkest- it’s still there. 

Faith: “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”  Hebrews 11:1

 I’m excited to visit mom in a few days – the first time since we moved her.  I’m excited to see her, I’m nervous that it will just upset her, I’m curious to see what is sup with her phone. I’m happy to be taking her a Snowman Christmas tree and a big jar of mixed nuts.  I’m nervous that all she will talk about is if we are going to take her home for Christmas.  I’m happy I can see her – even if it’s at a distance, even if all she does is complain.  

I’m looking forward to April 2021- hopefully all this pandemic will be over.  It’s a pandemic, they come every 100 years- it doesn’t matter who’s in charge- who’s not in charge- it comes.  There is no one to blame.   Cancer Sucks! Dementia Sucks! Sickness Sucks!   The Pandemic Sucks!     But even with all this Suckyness, “Life Is Good!”

Keep the Faith: “to continue to believe in, trust or support someone or something when it is difficult to do so”.

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen 

5:00 AM   Dorothy calls- telling me she is concerned about her husband- he did not come home last night.  She calls me Cheryl- I’m not sure from the tone of her voice that she knows I’m her daughter.  She tries to remember his name- then she comes up with it. “ Dick- Dick did not come home last night- he was mad at me yesterday afternoon and he left, I assume he went out with his friends- I’m very concerned, he has not come home”.  I tell her that he probably just slept on one of his friend’s couch and he would be home in the morning when he wakes up- Mom it’s 5:00 am it’s not time to get up yet- go back to sleep for a few hours.  NO, I can’t go back to bed, I’m already up and dresses and I’m worried about Dick, h did not come home last night- he as mad at me yesterday…….. and the confusion continues….  I finally get her settled down and I’m assuming she’s laying on the bed to get back to sleep.  She calls again at 6 AM , 7AM and every hour on the hour the rest of the day.   Sigh!

I answer most of the calls- most of the time it’s only a minute or two conversation- I tell her I’m at work and I’ll have to call her back.  She always apologizes for bothering me – she can’t believe she doesn’t not know what day it is.  I talk to her long enough to either help her or hurt her.  I’m of the opinion that I’m helping her- but maybe not.   Who knows?

I do know that when she is not calling me with her song of frustration, concern and confusion she is fine – she talks to folks, walks, plays puzzles and reads.  I do know that sometimes she cannot find her room or remember what number it is- sometimes these are what the calls are about.   I do know that she is frustrated, concerned, confused and sad.    They have added another drug to her daily routine- a small amount of “anxiety” medicine.  Hopefully this will help with her frustration and sadness.  I don’t think it will help with her confusion or concern about what is happening to her.  But who knows?

I have an appointment to go see her this Thursday- who thought you’d have to make an appointment to go see your loved one in the assisted living facility?

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen

I don’t want to be here   I want to be in Granny’s house.  There are things there I want some vases and glass plates like things.  Deloris will sell them… also, I’m in assisted living Deloris put me in assisted living   we are going to have to do something about that.  I won’t be able to handle this much longer.   Well, you can call Deloris and tell her she’s not the boss of me you are- and I’m going to — I don’t know where she’s getting the money to pay for this.  I’m not ready to be here. I’ve had too much sadness and too much bulling to sit here and be sane.

Goodbye. 

10 minutes later

Hello Cheryl   I just wanted to talk to you and tell you what Deloris is doing- she’s acting like God she sent me a letter that I get $5.00 and she gets the rest of Granny’s money.  She thinks that’s fair.  I thought that everyone had to be at the estate at the same time for the money to be shared.  The house was in Granny and Pappy’s name.  Deloris has taken all the stuff and there’s uncle Bruce and Uncle Kelly- doesn’t she realize that she’s not the only person.  It does not do any good for me to say anything to her- she jumps on me right away.  I guess it’s not my problem.  It just doesn’t seem right- well I guess people who do those things get paid at a later date.  I just need to set it aside and let it go.  I did what I could for 

I did I walked, and I like it here.  Do you know where I am? Why am I here, why can’t I be in a regular apartment?  You know an apartment complex for elderly people you know assisted living?  Why am I here- there’s places that have like 50 people that they help.   Delores didn’t do this?  Who did this?  Mom, we had a family meeting a few years ago and you said it was time for you to go into an assisted living.   I wouldn’t have said that- I wouldn’t have done it. Because I’m not ready for it yet I’m still able to take care of myself and do everything for myself.  Make my bed, keep my room clean- wash myself and brush my teeth and I can pick out my own clothes.  Why do I have to pay someone to live here? Somebody else is paying the bills.  I don’t want Deloris to do anything for me- she gets everything all mixed up.   I don’t want her in my banking account she’ll take my money.   I saw her one day this past week.  She was at Granny’s sorting out what she wanted and taking it- I just walked away.  She was bossing me about this and that- there was a couple things granny had that I’d like to have-but I decided it wasn’t worth it- I just walked away.  I’m surprised I haven’t seen Aunt Grace – I don’t remember seeing her-  I have seen somebody I used to work with – I think dad came back to earth already- have you talked to him?  I think he’s back here- in my heart I feel that.  Deloris is not in charge of me.  You know that? Yes, mom I know that.   She may think she is but she’s not- did she put me in this place?  I do not want to live with her.  I was thinking about this this morning- I was upset with myself that I did not go get some of the things that Granny had- but then I thought to myself it was not worth it- she likes to fight and I decided I wasn’t going to argue with her.  I’m sure all the good crystal glasses are gone- she had some she had gotten from her sisters for Christmas- they were quite talented in there glass making- it’s sad really sad to me the way people act when people die- fighting over there stuff acting like they were the only ones who ever did anything for them.. I hope she doesn’t do that when I die- you’ll kick her out won’t you?  I just don’t pay any  attention to her.   Her and Uncle Kelly are really thick- they were sowing seed and he gave her -her own area and showed her how to do it- it was really sad – Uncle Kelly will find it out.  I guess Uncle Kelly came and got some things he wanted.  Did Uncle Bruce come to the funeral?  I might not have known about it- I was still in the home- I’m so glad you got me out of the home.  I can feel real again. I don’t know what I’m gonna do – I don’t’ know what I’m capable of doing at this time in my life.  Did you ever find out who was paying for the place that Deloris put me in?  She probably used Granny’s money-   Did Jessica graduate this year?   Where is she going to College?  She graduated from UGA  Good for her!  I wish I had some money to give her but I don’t I ‘ll have to see how much money Deloris left me and I’ll share it with Jessica.   I am going to put my foot down and tell Deloris that she is not the only one who loved granny and pappy- there was all our uncles and their families, me and all the neighbors.   Deloris just wants drama and I’m not gonna give it to her. It’s just strange isn’t it.  Now, I’m down here in the kitchen now- have you been here to see the kitchen?  I should be glad I have a big kitchen- I bet Deloris is paying for me to be here.   I don’t want to be kicked out.  You should be allowed to do what you can for yourself for as long as you can – it makes you feel better.  I walk everyday- and nobody can bother me here there is always somebody watching.  Deloris can’t come in and be nasty and ugly- she’ll get thrown out.  When she leaves I want to get out of here and go into an assisted living or a small apartment-  but assisted living have more people  that’s probably what I’ll do  I don’t’ think I’ll have many more years to be here- if I make it to 103 I’ll live as many years a granny- I don’t know how old I am now- it think I’m 140 now- I’m not real sure- but I think .  now did pappy die too.  Yes mom- Pappy died. When did he die?  A few years ago.            I think we went to his funeral–  how many people were at granny’s  ?  it doesn’t matter- I’m sure all of uncle Kelly’s family was all there and Deloris was there and that’s all that counts lolol   anyway how long do you think I’ll have to be here- maybe a month- then I can get an apartment.  – I wish Deloris would go back to Ohio and just stay there- she just agitates me- I should just ignore her.  I don’t know. You never know how long life’s gonna last.   Hows the boys? They are good, sweet, smart boys, growing big and tall.  What are they doing now?  Playing ball, going to school, having fun with friends.  Good for them.  Jessica is keeping them on the line I bet.  Did she buy another house?   No. I thought she was going to buy another house.  Well, what you are you doing?  Working and hanging out with friends  How long have I been here in this place?  Who put me here?  Deloris?  Must have been I knew it was her—- Jessica wouldn’t do it – she is my baby girl – is Jessica doing good?   Well, I’m run out of things to say.  How’s Eric doing?  he got a job it looks to me that he would be really good at a grocery store carry out boy- he likes to talk and I think they pay about $1.50 an hour- that should be plenty for him .  What you gonna do tomorrow?  What day is it?   How many days have I been here in this place?  I don’t’ quite remember?  Well –I’ll talk to you later Cheryl, thanks for listening.  Click

Sometimes you don’t have to say anything- you just have to listen.   Listening is the easy part- its when she wants answers and she doesn’t like the answers is when it’s tough.    I wonder what happened between her and her sister, Deloris- for her to be so “afraid” of her.  We never saw Deloris much when we were growing up- maybe once a year or every couple years.   Mom told me once that dad dated Deloris first- but didn’t like her- then he asked mom out.  Maybe that is the reason for the drift—- ????  Who knows- I’m looking forward to a new verse- I wonder where she will take me next-  I’m sure she will be on this memory for a time.

Just do what you can- and be okay with it.  

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

12/2/20

4:47  20 minutes 

Cheryl, I need your help- I need to go to Ohio and get my money.  But I’m afraid to go – you see Deloris might have taken it all.  But I told her that you send them a dollar and they give you a dollar back.   I don’t think she understands.   Are you down here where I am?  Are you married?   I’m hoping Paul will drive me up there- I have to get a driver’s license. I’ll have to study the test- is it harder down here? I don’t know if I want to go back to Germantown how do you like it here?  Yes, people talk to you down here- you can have conversation with people.  I was in Florida and stayed awhile and met a lot of nice people there- I don’t know, I can’t hardly get myself together I don’t know how to express it.  Sometimes I have a feeling that nobody wants me here and I should go back. The reason I came back was because I’m getting older and I want to see how they are and their families are- I didn’t for a long time I could be very content to be by myself the older I got the harder it was to be by myself.  That’s why I came back -to be with people if I needed help somebody would help me.  I hope it’s still that way in the north- right now I don’t have any problems, but you never know what’s gonna happen.  I do feel kind of lonely- I know a lot of people— it was warm and you could be outside–  the north is not as friendly as the south – so I’ll let you go –    hangs up phone without a goodbye.

5:10 19 minutes

Cheryl I need your help- I don’t think I like it here- there is nothing to do .  I don’t think I can adjust to living in this apartment complex.  What else can I do?  I think maybe I need to go to Ohio to Germantown because I know it’s not the same people  I know but there are people up there, I know.   I’m beginning to get really nervous to be by myself- I need you to tell me what I need to do?  When I’m been in an apartment before I’ve never had a panic attack.  I don’t think I can live by myself I think I’m going to have to go into an assisted living place if I do that, I probably need to go back to Germantown.  Are you going to live down here the rest of your life?  Do you have some time to take me to look at assisted livings in this area.  I don’t want to be a burdon and I don’t’ want to be by myself.  At night I begin to get panicky.  I don’t want to be like that and I don’t know how to cope with that.  I think It’s because the people here are not very friendly  maybe I should look at another place or go back to Ohio where I have family and friends .  you know I wouldn’t be around them a lot but I would…..    I don’t’ know what to do … I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused or frightened at the same time.  I went to Florida or someplace to live and didn’t get like this  why am I getting like this here?   Right now my heart is beating about 50 beats a minute it’s just pounding…  and I you know I don’t want to be like this and I should …. Should  I go into a assisted living maybe where there is people and they do things? Or would I be better off just going to Germantown ? would I feel more comfortable I know I’d miss you….and you are going back aren’t you- know how long you been here ?  how old am I now- (82)  I’m older than that I’m closer to 90-  I’ll figure it out later but you know and it seems strange that I world come here and start being nervous and having excessive heart beat when down in Florida I didn’t have anything like that  but down there the people were more friendly —  I don’t’ know  I don’t’ know what to do  I’m scared period.   And I’m going to have to go into an assisted living?  Would I like that?  Maybe if I just go back to Germantown where there is people, I know aunts and uncles and that- maybe I’d be more comfortable.  What am I going to do if I get there and I get wacky?  Do I need to go to the doctor and ask what  the problem is  it just anxiety at my age that what I thought I could do what I did before— I would do that it’s not working the same.  Maybe and assisted living maybe if I check out some assisted living and see what type of people are in them I don’t’ know.  I don’t’ know what to do.  I’m really nervous about it. Cause this is a second time today that I’ve had —what do you call it when your heart stops and starts  do you know what that is? It’s more like I do know  I’m not going to worry about that now— I’ll worry about that when I go to bed  I don’t know I just—I don’t understand what’s happening  I don’t know why I’m getting so nervous and afraid  it is because the place I am? I mean you know I I I I don’t know maybe it’s  just something that will pass over . I’m I know I can’t do this everynight I didn’t have=ve any problems today I don’ know if I found a job—- and it would get better or if I should just go back to Germantown if I do that you will be down here  how many people is up there that I know is it the same group maybe I should drive up there one day and see.  I’m pretty sure Delores is still there-  I don’t think she’d let me stay her.  That seem strange that she would die  she was very healthy I think that is what is what I’m going to do go to Ohio-   will you take me toOhioo?  Ok we can go up to Woodstock and look around cause I don’t want to interfere with your life and I don’t’ want to be calling you all panicky  and crying you  all afraind  stulff  I don’t’ want to be like that.  I just want to be someplace comfortable.  I don’t feel comfortable here.  Course maybe if I look for a small house – maybe it’s the being confined- maybe that is why I feel like that.  Maybe a small house would be better- well you think about it and I’ll think about it.  But I think I’m gnna go back to Germantown  I think that would be best   I’ll go up and check it out. You want to go with me?  Ok good. when can you go?  Let’s go Saturday.  We will go Saturday. And look around and see what people are still there.  I know and that sort of thing. Wouldn’t it be awful if I couldn’t get comfortable.  Why is it that I’m  so uncomfortable I was in Florida all by myself — think about what’s wrong  with me that I’m doing this.  I was never like this in Florida.  There was always a lot people I was fine until I came in there and shut the door…. at the apartment- so it may be that I feel confined. And it’s making me anxious I might have to find a small house or something to rent or buy I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll go live with Deloris.  Ok alright thank you for talking to me listening to me and helping me.  I appreciate it.  I can’t figure out what’s the matter with me .my heart is just pounding. Ok thank you bye!  Hangs up.

Over and over and over again- this dance is gonna be a drag.   LOLOL 

 Bobby Day “Over and Over”   Just get up and dance- It helps with everything! – even Over and over and over and over again.

(-:

Peace & Love,

Cheryl Doreen

11/29/20

It’s been a long time- sorry!  I’ve had to wrap my head around a decision my brother and I made about Dorothy, while we both agree it is the correct one —it’s still hard to endure.

With the unwillingness of the facility mom was at- and to move mom back to Assisted Living after continued requests and conversations.  Paul and I decided to check into moving mom the first of October to a new facility. So, I made a few calls to see what the “rules” were now adays for moving someone into a facility.   After the third call a familure voice answered the phone- Stephanie!  Yay!  She was over the facility where mom was before the “walls come tumbling down” on mom.   I was so happy to talk to her and find out that two of moms’ nurses were also working there.   It was a God Wink!  We had to get mom reevaluated by them -and she was welcomed into Assisted Living without any issues.

First, we had to get her a Covid test, wait for the results and move her within seven days of those results.  The day before her move they called me from the new facility to tell me that a nurse had tested positive for Covid and that the facility was on lock down. Meaning that everyone had to stay in their rooms.  They were checking with upper management to see if they could still take new patients.  The next morning, they contacted us at 11:30 am and told us that we could move mom in.  Yay!   By noon my brother and I were starting to move her belongings out of her old place into the trucks. Both facilities were allowing only two people in -so Paul and I moved her ourselves.  While moving mom, I did some purging, she was not sure what to do with things, so they just piled up- I don’t understand why housekeeping didn’t do a better job of keeping her room managed.  I was annoyed, and in disbelief of the condition her bathroom was in- but for some reason I did not stop to get my phone out of the truck and take photos. 

This was a confusing time for mom- she would come in and help or ask questions with me and Paul- or she would go out wondering the halls talking to the nursed which none of them talked to Paul or me.  She was sad to leave – I’m sure those were her friends- and as it was her home.

By 2’oclock we were at the new facility moving her in.  While it was on lockdown no one was there to take mom out in the common area and no one to keep mom away or keep her occupied while we moved her in. So, I gave her “jobs”  to help us.   Sometimes she could stay focused and sometimes she could not.  At 4:30 we were informed that we had to be out by 5- I was like, no way, we either need to come back tomorrow for a few hours or stay late tonight- there was no way I was leaving without having moms place totally set up- with picture hung and few minutes to just sit down with her to relax.  They gave us until 6 and with the help of the Angels we were able to pull it off.

Even though mom would have to be on lockdown for 7 days- both Paul and I knew we did the right thing for her by moving her back into Assisted Living – with a spacious bedroom with two big open windows looking over the courtyard with a beautiful view of the sky, clouds, trees, birds and animals.  

A kitchenette and living room – big enough for her to relax in read or even do a puzzle if she chooses.  Everyone was exhausted and we all slept like babies that night.  

Dorothy will be alright,

Peace and Love,

Cheryl Doreen

It’s October 2020, and it’s the month of two full moons- the second, known as the Blue Moon -will be on Halloween, October 31^st.  How fun will that be if it’s a beautiful clear night and the moon and stars are shining bright?  That is what I’m hoping for (-:   

Dorothy is calling more frequently again throughout the day- not just at sundowners.   Her song these days is “I want to come home, I don’t need to be here, there is nothing to do here, I don’t want to be here.   If I don’t get to come home, I’m going to sue Paul for putting me here without my approval.”   She’s mad, she’s real mad.  It’s hard to listen to and it’s harder to get her calmed down when she is in this mindset.   She cries, she does not know how to get outside, she’s lonely, she’s tired, she’s confused. She is scared.

I hate that she is going through this disease- I hope she does not have to suffer much longer. I pray that the good Lord will shower her with Grace and Peace and take her on home.  

But maybe this is her path and she is right where she needs to be, doing what she needs to be doing.  I just wish that she could be happy while going through this disease- I wish she would sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching – I’m pretty sure she is when she is not in the mindset of not wanting to be there. Because every time I go see her, everyone tells me how much they love her.  

I do wish that just once she would call and not sing me her song- just once I’d like her to call so we could talk like we used to talk.  I really miss that. I miss you mom.

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

The phone rings- Dorothy’s first words are “Cheryl do you know what Paul has done to me again?”

And the song begins.  “He’s put me here without my consent- it’s not fair and I can’t believe that he was able to do that.  Who does he think he is?   I need to get back to my house.  It’s just not right what he has done to me. I didn’t do anything to him – he has no right putting me here.  I need your help with getting me an apartment- or maybe I should go into an assisted living what do you think?”  mom, I’ll do whatever you want me to do- “I knew I could count on you, so when do you think you can come and get me.  Oh wait, I’m in Ohio and you are in Georgia- you won’t be able to come and help me.  I’ll call one of my friends, that’s why I moved back here- to be closer to my friends.”  Mom, I can help you from wherever I am- what do you want me to do?

“Well, Cheryl do you know where I am?  I’m in this place that seems to be fine.  They feed me, they are nice to me and most importantly it’s clean.  Do you think I should just stay here? I think it would be ok if I just stayed here, what do you think?”  I think you should do whatever you want to do mom.  “Ok, then I’ll just stay here- Maybe I am the one that needs to get used to where I am and not worry so much.” Pause……… “So, when do you think you can come and get me and take me out looking for a place?  I just need a one-bedroom, nice size living room I don’t want it to be just one big room with the bed in it and my furniture…. I want it to feel homier than that.  So, and well, when you find something let me know- if you want me to go with you let me know.  I hate to bother you but you’re my daughter and that is part of your life helping your mother- like I helped you to grow up to be wonderful.  I know you’ll help me.  That’s why I don’t call Paul for things- he doesn’t have time.  How’s Jessica and the boys- are the boys loving school- Jessica and the boys are great”- loving school and their friends.  “ok I’ll let you go — love you -bye”

She just has to get these words out.   Are they stuck in her head- or do they just come out at Sundowners time?   Does anyone know?

Does anyone really know what time it is, does anyone really care?  Chicago- give it a listen.

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

Happy Fall- 

Dorothy made it through another summer- some days were good; some days were bad.  She is still on the granny/ pappy song, along with her sister Delores.    She is still calling every night and I am still answering her calls.  Listening, reassuring when needed and letting her know I’m here for her when she needs me.

She wants to move back to Germantown, get an apartment, a job and get her life back on track.  She believes that its still the same small town she grew up in is 1960’s – she’s pretty sure she can get her old job back at Brumbaugh (sp) jewelers or even Hackers Pharmacy. She just needs a small apartment downtown, away from her sister, her sister can’t be trusted. She still thinks that her sister can get into her bank account and take her money.  She wants to die in Ohio, so she is ready to go back.   On and on and on and on she goes. 

I can’t imagine what mental distress she is going through- how much emotional toil and anguish she is experiencing daily- even if it is for a few hours each day- it’s still too much.   I hate it for her, and I hate that there is nothing I can do to help her.

Last week I lost a coworker- 53-year-old man- best stand-up guy you would ever want to meet.   Cancer got him- within 6 months he was gone.   I ask myself- even though I’ll never understand, and I know I’m not supposed to understand – WHY?  Why do the good die young?  Why do the old, feeble and descripted have to continue to live out their life?

Look at your life now- what do you want to do?  What are you putting off?  What are you putting up with that you do not need to put up with?  

Life is short- even in its longest day- JM and those of us who can still make our choices, have the health need to start living like today is the last day of our lives.  If not- we will just let it slip on by.

Just for fun listen to Bruce Hornsby & The Range “The Way It Is”

Love and Light!

Cheryl Doreen

It’s the middle of the day and Dorothy is calling.  She’s totally upset and of course confused.  She is wanting me to go the bank for her and make sure her sister Delores cannot get any more of her money.  I listened and I told her I would go and make sure she was not on the account.  I convinced her that if she is not on the account- there is no way the bank will let her take any money out.   She told me that Delores was very sneaky, and she could get her way if she wanted to. She instructed me to “watch her”.  I agreed and finally was able to calm her down.   

To be honest, when she called, I thought for sure it would be about dad, her husband, my dad died this day back in 1981, of brain and lung cancer.  He was diagnosed in January of the same year and had a rough nine months.   Thankfully the good Lord had Mercy on his soul and did not make him suffer too much.   It’s hard to believe that I only had him in my life for 25 years- and he’s been gone for 39 years.  Every day I think of him in one way or another, something will remind me of him- a smell, a noise, a photo sometimes it’s just a memory that sneaks op on me.    When mom was of sound mind, we would talk about him and how good he was.  Later in life – as she felt the ground slipping away from her – she would say “your dad had the right idea, he died young”.  I wish he would come and get me, I’m ready to go.

I got a call today- one of my Teammates where I work passed on Saturday- he was 53 years old- 4 years older than my dad when he died.  I’m 64 and as I reflect on the last 39 years or even 11 years- I wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be and doing what I’m supposed to be doing.   

I lost another friend I worked with years ago- last month, she was 50.   And I have to confess that I thought about it then and I thought about it today.  Why do the old have to stay and suffer and the young get sick and die?   While I know everyone’s, journey is their own and we can’t question-I still wonder.   

I continue to be available for Dorothy- a sounding board, a lighthouse when she needs it.  

It’s 5:00 and mom is calling again- as I write this so I’ll log her conversation. :

She is telling me that Delores has her stored away.  I’m here at the laundry place- I wanted to know if you can come and get me but you can’t because I don’t know the name of the place or where I am.  

” If you don’t have time, I understand   I’m really getting disgusted with her putting me in theses places.  I don’t know what she gives me – she puts something in my food or my drink and it takes several hours before it wears off , she moves me and I know where I am.   I don’t need to be up here and pay I have a house and I don’t need to be here.  I think I need to go to an assisted living; I don’t need to deal with Delores, she is not going to boss me around.  I know how she’ll be, she’ll be telling me what to wear and what to eat  and I’m not going to do that.  She told me that uncle Kelly got the farm and she got the money.  But anyway, I don’t know where I need to go.  I’m gonna look around and see if I need an apartment or assisted living,  I want to look at both of them and see what I think….right now what I’m thinking is I need a small apartment where I can do what I want     then I want to do it  by myself and I know I can take care of myself.  Did I tell you where I am?  Im at a place that has a laundry place.  I don’t know how I got here, it’s been a while since I woke up…I’m not going to be bossed around by Delores, I will need your help strongly with that  I want to be by myself where I can do what I want to do when I want  and I can have some- some peace and quite ( stops for a few to cry) give me a second-   I don’t’ know how I got here- I wasn’t told that pappy died I wasn’t told it about it until after he was buried  I called and asked her to come and get me and she said I didn’t need to go   she wouldn’t come get me .  that’s fine, I didn’t go to granny’s and it’s……. is something you can do about it without making a big deal I would appreciate it.  It’s really not necessary to make a fuss.  She told me that uncle Kelly got the farm and she got the money.  I knew that was going to happen. I knew uncle Kelly would get the farm-but a I don’t think pappy had a lot of money – but he might have.  I hate to bother you with all this.  She’s not going to boss me around.  She can take granny’s house I don’t’ care- I can take care of myself. I am almost back to normal- thank God so – but, I just wanted you to know and you know— she will I don’t’ know what she’ll take out of the house I hope she doesn’t take any of my stuff.  I don’t know if she will let me have my clothes or not. You just don’t know what she is going to do. I don’t quite know how to handle it. You think about it and think how you might handle it.  I’m not gonna fight with her —pappy might have and a million dollars and she can have it- I am not gonna lower myself to her.  I feel like I have more since than that and that’s not the way to treat him.  So anyway, I would like you to come this weekend and take me to the cemetery to see where they buried him.  (stops to cry) I don’t know why I’m crying, but I am.  I think that’s about everything I know.  Except I want to get out of this place- how did I get here- there a laundry room here. I do want to get out of here and get an apartment.   I think I’ll get one in Germantown   I just hope she did not go into the bank and take all my money – I don’t know what to do can you help me? Do you have the papers? If you do that it will make me feel better- it’s hard to think that your sister would do that to you- that is part of her mind that she inherited from somebody.  I need to get out of here and get in a small apartment unless somebody stole my money- we will find that out when we go to the bank won’t we.  I hope it’s there.  Ok I’ll try not to call you again – when do you think you can get here, whenever you can get here, I’ll see you then.   Bye bye —Hangs up the phone.  I only said a few words- “I don’t know mom; I’ll call Delores and see what is going on”.  “I will go to the bank” I love you mom, bye.”

Sigh!

Walking Slow — Jackson Browne   – It’s upbeat and I gotta thing or two to say- before you walk on by       (-:

Love and Light,

Cheryl Doreen